I just want to hide any ugliness in my life. And pretend everything is fine. I have no friends, or close people in my life. I keep everyone at arms length, in hopes of not hurting anyone.
This started out as a letter to my closest friend, my landlady. But I feel it’s too much information for her to digest. No one wants to share pain with someone you like and respect.
Maybe there is a board for abused women?
Ellie use to call me when I started dating and cuss me out, telling me I should have been on birth control and never had kids. She use to do this early in the morning to wake up to.
I always did the best I could on the bank salary, which was not enough. Never received child support or alimony of any kind.
I never asked anything from family, nor had many friends. Mostly because I had been controlled by men.
The reason all this came up, was the movie. Where a social worked who had been abused herself. Took the case upon herself. This was based on a true story.
When the women in the camp wouldn’t leave their husband for safety. She explained that this type of abuser looks for lonely, unloved girls/women to prey on. And that if they but give their lives over completely to him, he will care for them and loved them.
It’s like walking on egg shells all of your life, never standing up for yourself. And can’t understand why someone that loves you would be so cruel. The real reason is they don’t love you, but want to control and own you. You are their slave.
Anyway, all of this with my daughter has opened up old wounds……..I’ve never told my family how it really was. I wanted my kids to have some sort of relationship with their father.
I guess I saw my Mother treated the same way by my father and drew this type of person to me.
I know I have come to a place in my life that I can no longer stuff all of this in. How I’m living now, is bringing it to light.
I’m trying to get out there more. But I think my past has caused me to not want to allow people to close.
This is to protect them, as well as myself.
This letter was never meant to be in such detail. So, I doubt that I will send it to you. But needed to talk about it to someone.
So, who ever I allow to read this, it was not meant to hurt or damage the reader in any way. But had to let out some of my pain in order to carry on.
It is out of love and caring for family that I have chosen to keep this secret. From an abused child to an abused women.
Somehow I hope someone stops the cycle.
Read Part One