I finally did it. I collapsed to the floor in the corner of my kitchen and just cryed my eyes out. No one saw me; no one heard me. I know God watched me and the angel on my shoulder waited. I felt the hurt and anguish. It just pulled me down. I couldn’t control it. The tears just welted in my eyes and it felt like my breath was sucked out of me. I know I sobbed for twenty minutes by the clock ticking on the stovetop.
It all came to me in a suffocating silence. The tears for my sister-in-law who died at an early age of thirty-five, leaving five children. I sobbed for my coworker who, at forty, died within weeks of her cervical cancer diagnosis. I cried for my sister who was med-flighted to a medical center suffering from three aneurysms. I sobbed for my children on a bus to a ski resort out west thinking something may happen to them. I feared for my husband ice fishing and falling through the ice. I have had weeks of the holidays, the families, the friends, the work parties, and it just all came to me in a heap of uncontrollable sobbing.
I just sat there thanking the lord no one was in the house. After I took a long needed breath and grabbed the dishcloth to dry my eyes, I knew I would be ok. I felt an inner strength. A washing away of depression and fear. The second breath when you are exhausted but need to go on. I felt for some reason each of us has a purpose. That angel was pulling me up. Why the lord takes those we love I don’t really understand. I know these days of losing loved ones will come and I use to think I was prepared for it. But we are really not prepared religiously or consciously.
I stood up and thought yes I can go on. It will be ok. It will work out. Life will go on and I will be here to welcome my kids from their trip and my husband home with the catch of the week. I will visit my sister in laws kids and cherish the memories from the days with my coworker. My heart is heavy but my faith is strong and I look to tomorrow for renewed life. Somehow, we go on.