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A Long Time Waiting

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I am a forty-year-old woman that been carrying sexual abuse and rape around for thirty-eight years until it has gotten to mentally. It has even destroyed the relationship I had with my son because I can’t tell what is really wrong with me. I started getting sexually abuse by mama boyfriend at the age of eight-years-old. When it first started it was just touching and kissing on me. I have another sibling that is older than me and at the time they were there when some of it took place, but as myself they was afraid. My two older sibling was mentally-challenged. When I was eleven years of age is the first rape is when he actually as when I was a child would went in. I did forget to let know that my mother knew what was happen every time all she would say “shut up”. But the day I turn eleven this what happpen.

My mother came up to my grandparents to pick us up. I didn’t want to go but again she made me. I got there, I was sleepy, I fell asleep on the sofa. I woke up and look out the door I saw mama and my siblings across the street at the neighbors house. I went to put my shoes on but he slammed the door tossed me on the sofa and pulled my panties and pants off I started fighting back but he was so much stronger than me. He took me to the bedroom and started forcing his self inside me. He covered my mouth so no one would hear me. When he got finished, it was if my mama knew she came through the door I ran to her saying “he, he, he,” and then she said, oh, you just started your period. They took the blood sheets and threw them away.

I know that this article is too short, but the sexual abuse in my life didn’t end until one last abuse, that would hurt my sons’ heart. It was before I married his father at the age of seventeen. I went to talk to my mama that weekend about marrying my boyfriend who I really was in love with, but I didn’t want to get marry yet. I was hoping for once that my mother step up be a real mother and say, no, she is to young and then on the other I was hoping she would say, yes, so I wouldn’t to be sexually anymore. Any no during this I never had sex with my boyfriend. I never could go out with him. Well that weekend, I went to talk to my mother about getting married, well, was it me and my sibling who went again.

Why did she drive off after running and asking can I go too? I was on the porch, he was at the door and said, “Your mama said you want to get married,” and I said, “You ain’t my daddy.” “Come on in here so I can whip you with your smart mouth.” I said, “No.” I looked across the street the neighbors was gone. He says, Don’t run because no one will hear you.” He came out pulled me by long black hair and rape me. When mama got back I told her that I was tired of this and I wanted to get married or else I will tell big mama and papa and you know they will never forgive you for this. I got married and I thought that it would take the pain away but it didn’t. I have told so many lies over the years to protect two special people in my life until know I don’t have a relationship at all with them. I wish I had someone to tell my story to before it destroy me. I want to finish.

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