Me, Myself, and I

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I eat. I sleep. I breathe. I laugh. I cry. I swim. I speak. I withdraw. I give. I take. I accept. I deny. I forgive.



I remember. I forget. I lead. I follow. I listen. I talk. I drive. I walk. I whisper. I yell. I want. I shun. I ache.



I soar. I’m hot. I’m cold. Red hat. Blue hat. I slip. I fall. I get up. Then I fall again. I crave. I seek. We destroy.



I cry. Alone. I get up. I do it again. I don’t play the skeptic. They don’t see it. Get me.



I’m crazy. Squash me. Into. A box. That only has their size in stock.



I bend. I twist, I turn. I love. I give, I lose. I die. Inside.



Again. I continue this viscious cycle.



I contemplate. The wrong side I criticize. Myself. For not fitting in the box. I work on it. To make it work. My heart. That old shoe on the side. Of the road. That can’t quite fit or match. Anything. One. Alone. I’m not normal. I tell myself. They did too. They told me. No. Not right. Fix this. Tweak that. Lower it. The energy. Okay. Sad. I say. Okay. But why. I would never go away. I want it. again. and again and again. I think it feels good. Give me more. pain. Pleasure.



No. I think. That is love. My tears. They are.



Territory. Part of it. Love. No. Okay. I surrender. I’m weak. Abused. confused. running. searching.



Finding. nothing. quit looking. It’s there. The necessities. everything. In your chest. heart. mind. soul.



Beautiful.



But wait. The inside is better than the out. No one has those glasses. I think that it’s my glasses that are the wrong.



Never good enough. Stop it. no. yes. no.



Feed my void. silence. Echoes. There are echoes. Of the echoes of silence. Alarming sounds of silence.



Hello. I’ve been waiting for you, Ashley. I’m Ashley. Take my hand. Let’s find you again. Just a girl. A small innocent toe head who loved Christmas more than anything. I hear and see no evil. What is evil. Am I? No, Ashley. You are not. Thank you. The Angels are screaming now. Hold me. show. me. lift me. They do.Simple. I just needed to send the flowing neutronic thoughts out. Go to lunch. Dinner. Hell, take the rest of our.your.my life off. I see it. I swear. The light. Brighter. Not bright. But brighter.



My name is Ashley Marie Vaillant. I am powerful. I am strong. I am a woman.I have only one regret. That I have carelessly hurt people. Not intentionally. But obliviously. Get up, Ashley. I am Ashley. And I am learning…

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