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My Attitude

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As my life goes into another shift, I become depressed and I shut myself away from everybody. I try to lift myself up by talking and laughing but once it’s gone, it’s gone. Do you want to know what onset this batch of depressive days here and to come? People telling me about my attitude. Before I proceed, I am not throwing myself a pity party or anything. I am just tired of hearing people in my life say I have a nasty attitude of this man saying I am disrespectful to him. The definition of disrespect is a verb and it means to have lack of respect or to hold contempt.

All the people in my life live with some sort of denial. They believe with their whole hearts that they are innocent in any situation, whether it’s manipulating someone into giving them what they want, using people for their own selfish gain, taking what does not belong to them or calling people out of their names. They all and there are not many practice selfishness. What’s in it for me? I do for you but you have to do for me. These are the people who are currently in my life.

This relationship with this man who is thirteen years my elder. He’s the “I want a lot of attention” type and this is not funny or a joke. I have to sit back and cry and evaluate myself all the time because I know how I can be. He’ll say something to me and it will trigger me to go off. For example he knows how nosy my neighbor is. They talk a lot when I am not with him. When I am, she won’t go near his porch but when I am not around she’s right there on his porch in his face and he talks about us. I would not be surprised if they call each other. I don’t have respect for men who cheat, who beat women, who use women who lie to get sex, who fake love, and who treats woman like dogs. He was that type of man. He was married twice and cheated through both marriages. My gut tells me all the time he wants her and she wants him.

Now where does my depression come in? Hearing every single day you are mean, you have a nasty attitude, you are nasty, you are evil … why do you do this? Why don’t you do that? I hear it every day. Today was bad. I wanted to take my bottle of sleeping pills a down all thirty of them because I am not who they say I am. I am quite sure they are not perfect either but even down to my so-called best friend called me out of nowhere and told me I had a horrible attitude. I haven’t talked to her since I got my tooth pulled out  on Monday. So where did she get that from or was it just the devil trying to convince me I am worthless and I should kill myself?

My attitude is warranted in so many ways. I am forced to have sex with a man who I cannot stand. I am living in a house that is falling apart. My so-called best friend calls me when she only wants money; my neighbor is in my business. I am depressed and I want to take this bottle of pills. The only reason why (and I am being honest), the only reason why I am not downing the pills is because of my children. It’s not fair to them. I am not angry but I am pushed to tears every time I talk to this.

Right now I just am in the mindset to commit myself because I want to kill myself. The only thing that holds me back are my kids. My daughter is sensitive and my son needs me. I love them both and it would not be fair to them at all for me to take my life because of what people say. It does hurt. It hurt like a knife in my heart every time I hear someone say “Your attitude is so nasty.” And besides if they feel like that, why do they keep coming back and calling? These are the same people whose hands are in my pockets for money. God. I am in tears right now because I am just tired of it all and if I had no kids then I would have killed myself along time ago. I’m not in a healthy state of mind right now.


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