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I feel so alone … I am about to have a “breakdown,” and feeling like I am I falling or have fallen into severe clinical depression and may be diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder. This is the scariest experience of my life and I feel like these feelings and thoughts will never end and I have lost hope that I could thrive, despite the after effects of being traumatized as an innocent child. I have deep, painful, memories and have anxiety symptoms, and have not learned to manage my depression, stress, and panic but I want to reclaim my life as my own for the first time.


My name is Phiven and I am twenty-six years old … I jus remembered my father and his cousin, my second cousin-at different times rubbed their genitals against my vagina when I was a little girl … . I was about three or four, they were both one time incidents from what I can remember and it is extremely vague … I have thought about this for a long time, many years, but I don’t think I wanted to accept, recognize, or deal with it … sexual things happened between myself, my farther and my uncle when I was young and I realize it now, as an adult … maybe I was ashamed … however depression, anxiety, and stress are taking over my life as an adult and is affecting me physically. I think all of this is stemming from my child hood.


I have been feeling many negative things for a very long time. All my family relationships and friendships have failed or are failing as I type … I have been extremely sad, depressed, and go up and down in my moods based on who is around me or what is going on around me. I have not been able to find a constant and consistent JOY that never leaves me admit the chaos of the world … maybe five or six years now … I have been trying to stop smoking ciggs for the past six or seven years to no avail … and while my mind hates the ciggs I am having a hard time with discipline and getting over the physical addiction … I am constantly worried, experiencing anxiety/stress, and experienced my first panic attack last week where I was so scared I almost went to the ER because of pain in my chest, fast heart beating and difficulty breathing … I was really scared. I have lost over twenty-five pounds in the past year without exercise. I don’t have an appetite, and can go a full day, sometimes two without eating … I have to force myself to eat. I get angry, have no control over what comes out of my mouth when I loose my temper, have problems with any kind of authority, feel the world is out to “get me” and the world doesn’t want me to move forward …


When I was a young girl from six to twelve, me and little girls I was friends with would touch each other sexually exploring each other’s bodies … I remember before my mom left the country, at one point me and my sister were living with her and she caught me and my friends doing something sexual in the closest before … she called my daddy to have him try and talk to us about it … I remember filling my mouth up with chicken nuggets because I didn’t know what to say …


Another thing I remember is when we were living with her, she had a boyfriend who would come into the apartment and spend the night … I was six or so and one time me and my sister came home from our neighbor’s house with two mini loaves of banana bread that we cooked and were so excited and proud about … my ma was at work, but her boyfriend was there and when we knocked on the door, he was angry but we didn’t understand why … he opened the door … and slammed it on are face … we sat on the steps and started crying our little eyes out … it was dark, cold, and we had nothing to do … finally he opened the door after some time, slapped the banana bread out of our hands to the floor, and forced off to take off our clothes, butt naked, and beat us with a belt and made us take a bath …


I also remember taking my female dog lady in to the bathroom more than once, and rubbing my vagina against hers when I was about eleven or twelve …


At the age of twenty I started stripping for about five months … However, I was a virgin up until twenty-two (I was scared to have sex and or explore any sexual with men because my father raised me to believe that sex outside of marriage was wrong and I would go to hell) … At twenty-six I have been considering going back into stripping and getting into the porn industry …


Within the past four years I have had sex with over eighteen guys, in non committed relationships … four to five of them I don’t remember their names and most of the sex were one time encounters under the influence of alcohol … I don’t get close to men and have never fallen in “love,” or have not been emotionally intimate or attached to men … I guess I was always afraid if I ever loved a man, the way I loved the one man I knew, my father, they would hurt me the way he did … it all makes clear sense now …


My dad raised my sister and I on our own, and we were made to feel like our daddy was so special, genuine, and sincere because he was around when my mother was not for a short period of time … so he was always a “super dad,” and every body praised him for raising us as a single man. Growing up, I always felt like I was never perfect enough, never a good enough daughter … especially these past five to six years when I was growing up, becoming an individual, trying to break out of his trap, his manipulation, his lies, and aims at trying to cover up what he did … he pushed his religion on us and lived his life doing “good” things for others, sacrificing his time and money for charitable reasons rather than investing time into his situation at home and rising above the struggles in his life …


He lived for others, always trying to present the image of a saint or some one who cares and loves for others and tried to make me and my sister feel bad because we didn’t do or embrace what he did … Now I realize he lived his life the way he did, through his religion and good deeds to cover up his mistakes, what he did to me … maybe hoping to I would forget … I have always felt like my farther judged and condemned me and it would eat me up alive trying to make him happy according to his perception of the world. He always pointed his finger at me, because there were ten fingers pointing back at him and he was maybe subconsciously dealing with the guilt. We have fought so much these past five to six years because he was always pointing his finger at me as if he were holier then though and I would get so angry … I would get so upset and frustrated trying to live up to his standards and still be free … now I realize why I was so sickened by his pointing finger-because he was never perfect and he made mistakes that he never wanted to deal with or acknowledge … he acted like he was perfect our whole lives when he was raising us and tried to make us feel bad that we were not … when he is the one who touched me in certain ways when I was a little girl …


He just remarried and I am having a difficult time with the transition. My sister has been in a serious relationship and that was also very difficult for me to accept at first. We would argue, I would get violent and break things … but now I understand … maybe I was mad, angry that the people I loved were leaving me when I needed so much help … maybe I was upset with my father’s marriage, him getting up and “leaving” the state, leaving me and my sister in a uncomfortable/stable living arrangement (we have been living under his roof as we attempted to finish college), when I never told any one what he did, what his cousin did to me as a little girl …


I have hated his family and never got close to any of them and I understand why now … because of what my father and his family members did to me … .


Now I am entertaining thoughts of stripping, (I had a stint with it at twenty), the porn industry, and suicide … I have been wondering will any one care if I am gone? Will any one be sad … I go thru ups and down with the ciggs and tell myself to continue smoking to get back at my dad who just was recently remarried and moved out of the state with his new wife … I tell myself to smoke to hurt my body and kill myself so my father would be sad … I use ciggs to get back at him …


Me, my sister, and daddy have been together our whole lives … now I have this deep bitterness and sadness in my heart and I find myself trying to get back at him by hurting myself and not giving up smoking. In some weird way, I thought I was jealous of his new wife … but that is not the case … I am mad, angry, sad, that he left this state resentful at me and my sister because we never embraced his religion and perspective on life. He found a woman that has, but that is not the worse or what hurts me the most … what hurts me the most is he left with an attitude like, “haha, I found someone who is willing to submit to me, do what I say, and embrace my religion whole heartedly since you, your sister, or your mother never wanted to.” Our lives, upbringing, and the way he raised us was a LIE … a cover up for what he did …  


He got away with the lie and perpetuating the fact that his was a good man for raising us on his own for five years as a single father … He left the state, with his new wife (which everyone was so happy to see him with since he “devoted” his life to raising to young girls on his own) like me and my sister failed him for not listening to him or embracing his way/faith and perspective on the truth … when in all actuality he failed us … he tried to make me, my sister, and my mother feel so bad about things/mistakes we have made and tried to make us suffer and pay for the rest of our lives through his constant judgment consistently reminding us of things we may have done wrong or messed up on as if he was an angel … at least we acknowledge our mistakes, they were out in the open, and we didn’t lie about things we did … we were remorseful and sorrowful for the past mistakes and have attempted to change ourselves for the better and make up for the things we failed at … as opposed to my father who always tried to cover up what he did to me …


 


My family thinks I am the crazy one … my family thinks I am selfish … like I am the one who is “loosing it” … people are talking about me as if I am going insane … and I have even began to start to digest and believe some of these things … maybe I am going crazy?? I know I am depressed … It now all makes sense though and my childhood experiences fit together like a puzzle with my adult experiences, personality, and character … I need help though…I sent this same letter to my sister…she hasn’t talked to me in two, going on three days now. I need help … serious help … I can feel my body getting sick and weak from holding this inside … but I am afraid if I tell anyone else that I am close with or can confide in they will respond the way my sister has … Please some body tell me something positive to do that can help me get better. I am so scared, sad, and confused …

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