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My Dear Mother

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I lost my dear mother and best friend to ovarian cancer a year and three months ago on a Friday afternoon. We had been through eleven months of shock and the process of caring for her. It was a treasure to be her caregiver and I would never trade our time together.

We thought she had pneumonia. In May 2007, we had to make a sudden trip to help a relative with a deathly ill spouse. This stressful trip seemed to bring on the symptoms that would later expose stage IV metastatic adino-carcinoma. Testing revealed the source. Mom had not had any symptoms until it was too late. She chose not to go the “chemo, surgery” route. Her delicate body would not be able to survive the ravages of those chemicals. She was so brave and had the strongest faith. We surrounded her with a wonderful circle of support. We researched and chose a Hospice that turned out to be just the best. Her nurses and the entire staff helped us more that we could ever repay. Mom found comfort and security and was never alone—her worst fear.

Throughout her illness she and I discussed many difficult but necessary things. Her funeral, what she might want to wear and other subjects. It was painful but we wanted to make sure her wishes were carried out. When it seemed that her illness was advancing, my brother and I went to make funeral arrangements. We called those who had not yet gotten to visit with her and just stayed with her comforting her until she softly went to sleep.

She was not alone.

For the next several days I was still in the mode of caregiver, just moving getting everything done: making sure all the relatives and friends were taken care of, the business was taken care of, etc. My dear father seemed to be “properly” grieving, so did everyone else. Except me. I was going around like a tornado—busy, busy. I crashed a few days later, but the pain and tears wouldn’t come for it seemed months. The intense pain was horrible; my body ached all over. The tears came and went.

I have taken advantage of grief counseling, books, friends, prayer, everything I could think of and I am coping. I haven’t felt any guilt I think because we did our very best and we had a measure of closure, we were all able to say goodbye. Just recently, however, I seem to be having this overwhelming anger. It is not directed at her or at her passing, I am just so very angry, it seems at everything. I am trying to research this now and I would appreciate any assistance or advice one would like to give. What I have read so far is that this stage may pass quickly or could last a long time. I don’t want to cause pain to my family, I seem to be withdrawing to prevent my being unkind to them and I think this could be dangerous but I don’t know what else to do.

I miss my dear mother so terribly. Thank you for reading.

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