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From My Journal

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Recently, I read somewhere that false hope, which is full of optimism and positive thinking, but independent of logic, can be harmful when it is based on unrealistic expectations. As I was typing the first draft to this part of my journal, the word hope suddenly, magically appeared on my screen. I stared at it for a long time. Was it a message from God? I certainly didn’t type it, feeling the way I’ve been feeling the last six months. I was diagnosed with more health problems. I already have a very significant medical resume; however, I was told that my CAT scan showed pulmonary emboli (blood clots in the lung) and in both legs. In all the veins. And thrombophlebitis. Cardiomegaly (enlarged heart). Not to mention the menuhene.

Needless to say, I’ve been very depressed because of the menuhene—I’ve been putting up with them for three years now. All the pain, weekly blood draws at Queen’s Medical Center. I’m an impossible patient when it comes to regulating my INR for coumadin. I saw my doctor today and it was 6.9 … it’s supposed to be between 2.0–3.0 I love my doctor He told me that I was lucky to be alive. Of course, I already know that. Anyway, I actually thought of going into Waikiki for a few glasses of wine. It wouldn’t take much. I didn’t. But it just goes on and on and on. My sister said she couldn’t walk a day in my shoes. I try so hard to cope. My Dad’s favorite new acronym for me is S.H.I.T. “Sweetheart, hang in there.”

For a while there, I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live. About six months ago, I started going to Maddogs Saloon in Waikiki with my friend whom I met at the woman’s shelter. I’ve been on this island for almost seven years, but never played pool. At Maddogs, I started playing pool. And I’m really getting my game back, playing with the guys even. And winning. It’s so much fun. I lived in Waikiki when I first arrived here. Now in about one week I get to go out, to get out of this sheltered home and back to Waikiki. I have a roommate already, my friend Larry from Maddogs. He’s going to look out after me. My friends are really interrogating him, poor guy. I’ll be closer to the beach. I can go down and watch the sunsets. Playing pool and being with friends who really care seems to help a lot. And, the laughter that goes along with it.

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