I try day after day to figure out who I am. Where am I coming from? Why am I lonely? Why is my self-worth so much lower than the average persons? I was a baby when my biological mother left me in a New York City train station. I can’t say I remember this. I can say I picture this in my dreams. Visions in my head of myself and my brother in a over sized basket wrapped together in a blanket, underneath this blanket we are not dressed—just a diaper on.
It was the middle of winter, I see us freezing—wanting warmth and love and food. My next thoughts on my life are being tossed from one home to the next. I see I stay at a baby sitters a lot; I feel shy. To come out and be friendly has always been hard for me. I believe this is all because of my life of abandonment. My visions hurt me. I have nightmares often, why is Grammy trying to take us from daddy? I feel no one really wants me, my dreams and visions of this life are so strong.
I cry often. I crave attention and love. At one point in my life I remember waking in the middle of the night and sneaking down and eating anything I could find in the refrigerator. Was this real? Was I hungry? My father (whom I won’t mention in this) told me when he arrived in New York City to pick up my brother and I, we were both suffering from malnutrition. Does this have anything to do with my weight problems throughout my life? My visions now go to a child of about six-years old. Dad had remarried out of love for my brother and me. He wanted us to have a home a mom and food and clothes. This vision is one almost as painful as my biological mothers. She was what I see as the evil woman in my life. I feel myself doing everything to win her love, I wanted her to love me so badly. I still feel that terrible feeling inside me. The feeling that she did not love me was painful. I offered my soul and love on a daily basis to try and win her over. It just was not meant to be. But I would not give up I tried for years, I remember her telling me lose five pounds I’ll get you that shirt you like, she’d eat steak with dad while we had hotdogs, this happened many nights a week.
We did not eat as a family, the parents sat at the big table and kids at the little table off to the side. Everything we did as a family was separated. It was a strange life and it was the beginning of my search for love. I remember looking back at this huge hand painted picture hanging in our living room. It was a picture of my dad, her, and her kids. My brother and I were not there, not in the picture, why not are we not part of this family? This is just a pinch of what this woman was like, I don’t remember calling her mom.
Later on I found out that we called her Ma—if she was even a real mom to me. I don’t see my dad much in those years as he worked two jobs to help us have this better life. Little did dad know that life would have been perfect if he was in it. I remember the old station wagon they had. It was this big yellow Chrysler and it fit us all in it. One weekend Ma told me I was going to grams for the weekend we often did this. I liked it there.
Although it was her mom she was a lovely old lady and she truly loved us kids. She would make us homemade donuts, they smelled so good and she was located on a farm, so we had acres of area to play. Anyways she dropped me off that week-end. Sunday came and she showed up alone to pick me up around 1 in the afternoon, The car was full of stuff, I remember pillows, blankets, clothes, I asked her why all this stuff was in the car, She replied, I will tell you,“Well there was this store on the heights in Concord. We stopped there often on are way to or from grams. I believe it was Frank & Bobs grocery store.” She asked me to go in. I remember I made a fuss as she was going. So why did she need me? We went to a empty aisle in the store and she said I am leaving your dad for a while, I want you to walk home from here, She then made me pay for the bread and when I handed her back the change crying she said here get yourself a drink.
I know my head was in a bad place this news was devastating. I watched as she drove away. I started walking and crying. You know I remember stopping to think what would be the quickest way home, It was a hot and humid summer day. It felt like 90 degrees and I was so upset and dying of thirst and wishing I had used that dollar for some drink. I made it home that day. I don’t know why I did not call someone to get me. It was about ten miles, but my child’s mind was not thinking of this.
Upon getting home I walked into the house and my dad was there. He was crying. I noticed furniture gone, a partly bare home. I told him what ma did to me. I knew our life was going to change in a big way I just did not realize until later in life how huge it was …
To be continued …