My Son Had a Life—He Is So Much More than a Memory

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My twenty-one-year-old son had a life! I am so angry that his precious life here on this earth, was robbed from him. He left me almost four months ago. He was born on February 19, 1988, his birthday will come and go without him! I could never speak of him in the “past” tense. He is my son and will always be my son.

When people say to me, “Well you know that these things happen for a reason,” I get really upset, I cant seem to think of one reason. People say to me, “Well you know he is in a much better place,” no, I don’t know that, he belongs here, with his family and his cousins and friends, enjoying his life here! When people say to me” in time, you will be ok, everything will be alright”, I think how insensitive, Its not alright, its not ok, I’m not ok, time is not making it “better!” How will it be ok, he is gone, the days start without him and his friends will soon forget him! People ask me, “How are you?” and when I answer not good, I’m doing really bad, they will say “How come, what’s the matter” and I am thinking, WOW, how insensitive is that? Shouldn’t the answer be the obvious? I’m not good, I’m suffering, I’m in pain, I want my son back, for God’s sake!! I want this all to be a horrible mistake. People say think of your other children, other children don’t replace the loss of one but does not mean you love them any less, I am mourning the loss of one.

The best thing for people to say to me is that they are sorry my loss and the pain I must be going through. When they see me crying and wailing for my son, just give me a hug or sit/stand quietly beside me. Don’t tell me to stop because I am hurting my self. I am in this state because of how someone so reckless and so cold that did this to my son, may get away with this. I am in this low place because of his actions!!

He had a life! Now I can’t hear him say “Hey mom, it’s me, I’m home.” I can’t dance with him at his wedding, I cant yell at him anymore, I cant say congrats on all of his long term goals or accomplishments. My son’s passion is his music, playing his keyboard, making his beats. He would be in a trance, head bopping, body rocking back and forth, Then I would yell, turn that music down! Oh how I wish I could yell at him now and hear him say” ok mom, relax, it’s not that serious”, he always said that. Now I am tormented by hearing him cry for me and saying to me “mom, look at me, look at what he did to your son”. I can’t sleep well at night because it comes down on me so hard. Nothing comforts me. My son always told me” mom, you just wait and see, I’m going to be the next Kanye West (successful music producer for those that don’t know who he is). He called himself a Musical Genius! if he had completed is musical goal, maybe some one would idolize him and hope to accomplish what he did. His favorite artists are Michael Jackson, who he has been obsessed with since being a little boy and the great Bob Marley. He saw Bob’s children in a concert when he was about nine or ten years old and he got to go behind the stage and meet them all and go inside their tour bus, poor thing started to hyperventilate. His son Ziggy Marley gave him a Snapple or something like that and he vowed to never open it. He liked all kinds of music but hip hop and reggae are his favorites. I knew he was going to make it, he is so talented and that’s not just my opinion.

Now, I hyperventilate going to his gravesite! Such a cold place. My heart would always go out to the families that loss a loved one, especially a child, when I would see a memorial for them by a tree or a street pole or on the parkway and I would imagine the pain they must be in. I never dreamed that I would be doing the same for my son. I feel like I am caught up in some sick long, drawn out nightmare!

For those that are reading this, please don’t ever forget the one you loss, talk about them often and share pieces of their life with anyone who will listen. Celebrate their birthdays; they had a life.


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