I’m not sure why I’m here or why I’m writing this. I’m hoping this helps. Not sure where to start my story because I don’t remember the beginning. I can remember small detailed memories I wish I didn’t have. I always knew something was different with me. I knew and thought about things other kids my age didn’t learn for many years down the road. I can remember being six and seven thinking about sex. Knowing things to do with it but don’t remember how. I was withdrawn from an early age. I was the kid by themselves on the playground, the one that hid in the bathroom at school till recess was over. But I never understood why … at thirteen someone attempted to rape me. He wasn’t much older than me. I chose to go into the room with him and then I told him to stop. He wouldn’t at first but then someone started knocking on the door and he did. That incident seemed to start everything in a whirlwind. It brought everything I didn’t remember to light.
My eighth grade year I spent in three different institutions. I was always running away but don’t know from what. I tried countless times to end my life but never succeeded. I remember telling my parents what had happened with that boy and my dad said “you put yourself in that situation.” I knew I had but isn’t what I wanted to hear. Then they shipped me off to my grandmas to live, in a different state all by myself. It didn’t work. I returned for my sophomore year and went out of control. I was sleeping with everyone. Men ten years older than I was, married, military it didn’t matter. I didn’t always want to do it but I did it anyways. Sex became and still is the only way I know how to communicate with men. Maybe that’s why I have no female friends. I don’t know how to act. I knew I needed to stop but I didn’t know how. I have always pushed everyone away. That’s why I’m alone. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t know how to let people in I don’t know how to socialize with them without involving sex.
My mom used to say I was cold-hearted, it wasn’t that. I felt every bit of pain but I didn’t know how to show it or how to deal with it. So I used drugs, still use or drink when everything seems to get out of control. I’m angry I can’t remember, I want to so I can fix it. My mom died five years ago and I wasn’t able to fix things with her. My life is going nowhere. I don’t have a grip on it and I can’t figure out how. Everyone always screams at me “you push everyone away, you’re always going to be by yourself, and you’re going to die alone and miserable” they’re right. But they don’t know the demons I’m fighting; I don’t know the demons I’m fighting. I just want soooo bad to be normal. I want long lasting relationships with men and women. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t know how to stop. I’m twenty-seven years old and my life has no direction. I have no hobbies except drinking, getting loaded and having sex and those aren’t hobbies. I don’t know what I like to do. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. I want soooo bad to be normal!!! I don’t want to hurt anymore!!! I have no one anymore and none of them know the truth.