I consider myself to be a relatively intelligent woman. This just proves that intelligent women can do really stupid things.
10. When I was eight, I stuck my tongue on a can of frozen orange juice in the grocery store because it had frost on it and it was a hot day. My tongue stuck fast. I had to rip it off so nobody would know what I had done.
9. When I was nine, I caught my mother’s kitchen on fire. I did this by lighting matches and throwing them into the trash. But if the truth be told, my mother used to have me light matches to light her cigarette when she was driving. I was really just practicing.
8. When I was thirteen, I shoplifted a can of Aqua Net Hairspray. I was not destitute and taking the hairspray for my starving children. I didn’t even need the hairspray. I did it to see if I could get away with it. I wouldn’t feel so bad about it if I had shoplifted an expensive hairspray. I was not caught, but fortunately this episode did not lead me into a life of crime. It could have, but it didn’t.
7. When I was fifteen, I had sex with a boy to “prove I loved him.” I proved I loved him and he proved that I was stupid when he told everyone in the high school what he and I had done. The bad news is that my reputation was shattered. The good news is I never lacked for a prom date after my reputation had preceded me.
6. When I was twenty and married, I kissed a black professional football player at a party and my husband walked in the room while I was kissing him. That was stupid and also bad. The guy was really, really cute, but that is truly no excuse.
5. When I was twenty-two, I crashed our Mustang into the garage wall because I was mad at my husband and he loved that car. He did not kill me over it, but we did later get divorced for other reasons.
4. When I was twenty-six, I maxed out a new Macy’s card in one day to buy things for myself and my kids that were extravagant and that I really could not afford. I did eventually pay Macy’s off, but it took quite a while. They sent me the card and I thought it was magic. Paying it off was less magical.
3. When I was thirty-two, I married a cowboy. I knew better but I did it anyway. It took me about two years to get out of that bad situation.
2. When I was thirty-nine, I took my kids for a lavish weekend in Palm Springs the weekend before my son left to join the Navy. We ordered expensive champagne from our lavish suite and charged everything we saw. When we checked out and when it came time to pay, I realized the new credit card I was using for the trip was not active for another two weeks.
1. When I was forty-two, I egged a man’s house late at night. Okay, he had it coming, but I could have gotten in a world of trouble and been horribly embarrassed over my actions. Since I didn’t get caught, I can’t say I’m truly sorry. What I can say is that it was truly stupid.