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National Domestic Violence Awareness Month (Part 4)

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After years of being misdiagnosed with depression and bipolar, I was correctly diagnosed a few short years ago as having Chronic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is an anxiety disorder. My anxiety level has always been off the charts. Then I stupidly added meth, crack, and other drugs to my body that created more anxiety. Even most opiates have a side effect of causing anxiety and yes, even smoking pot can cause anxiety. Over many years, doctors have put me on medicine I did not need, resulting in more depression, suicidal thoughts, high cholesterol, vision changes (so much for the Lasik surgery I had a few years ago), and weight gain. In May, I stopped taking a mental medication, Amitryriptyline a.k.a Elival. I was on this medicine for three years. At the same time, I began seeing a new medical doctor.

In only a few weeks, my three year problem with high cholesterol was gone along with losing fifteen pounds. Two doctors did not relate the drug’s side effect problems with my also three-year high cholesterol and weight gain. Both told me to watch my diet. My new doctor did the same. Well, since May I have not changed my diet. I just stopped taking that medication. Always pay close attention to the side effects of all medication you take listed on the pharmacy’s patient prescription information sheet. If you are taking drugs you do not have a prescription for, research the side effects online as I did. I am finally on the way of taking charge of my life. It took me a long time to realize the first step to taking care of ME is to remove toxic drugs and people from my life. I know my drug use has not helped my extreme anxiety I suffered from since childhood. I thought opiates would calm me. How wrong I was. They did everything but. I cannot help but think of how many millions of other people are harming themselves by self-medicating to hide the pain they are suffering as a result of some kind of abuse.

I am also addicted to violence and shopping. I am a compulsive shopper and hoarder. I think this is the reason why I did not spend much money on drugs and alcohol. Why should I when I did not have to. I could not tell you how many “men” would throw drugs at me because they thought they were going to get sex off me. It may have worked on other females, but not this one. In Vegas, one pulled out a bag of crack that was as big as a brick. He bragged about how he mastered the art of cooking the cocaine into rock cocaine (a.k.a crack.) He would throw chunks of crack at me because he had a motive. He was a pimp who wanted me on the streets selling myself for sex. His goal was to get me addicted in order for his plan to work. Well, it didn’t work. He started out real nice as my “friend”. He became really annoyed with me because I was not complying with “his” plan for me. I am lucky I made it out of Vegas alive. One night I came close to having three girls jump me. I was so messed up on drugs and alcohol I could not even speak. A few days later, one of the girls knocked on my door as if nothing happened. As I looked out the window, she was smiling waiting for me to open the door. What she did not know is that I had a few broken bottles waiting for anyone who wanted or deserved some. She was one of those who deserved some. Through the window, she saw me pick up a bottle. I opened the door and chased her down the hallway and steps with a broken bottle in my hand. I was yelling to her, “What’s the matter? You’re not so tough without your friends? This is how Pennsylvania deals with people like you.” I never had seen anyone run so fast in my life. Now that was a crazy time and there is so much more I cannot fit into this writing.

Just recently another “man” threw percocets at me nightly like they were candy. Prior to this, he was responsible for the breakup between my boyfriend and I, who was clean and sober for four months. The deal was in order for us to reconcile, he had to remain clean. This person almost immediately gave him morphine pills when he was aware of his addiction problems, including our deal. He purposely did this because he wanted my boyfriend out of the picture, but this was the only part of his plan that worked in his favor. He then used me to get rid of his wife because his plan was to get with me even though I made it quite clear to both him and his wife I did not want him. He made me look like I was a home wrecker. Even when his wife was still there, he begged me to let him cut my acre of grass all summer long. He said he wanted to do it. Yeah, right! He said a woman should not have to cut that much grass. I told him no over and over again telling him it was good exercise for me. Then my lawnmower mysteriously died. That’s when I thought, “Okay! You want to play. Let the games begin.” So I put my own little plan into action. It was called the payback plan. He thought he was playing me, but in fact he was being played. During the entire summer, I swam in his pool while he was at work. I would be inside enjoying my air conditioning while he was out in the heat cutting his acre of grass along with my acre. He purchased steaks almost every night for dinner. He took me to see Alice Cooper concert. I always offered him money, but I knew he would refuse it because of “his” plan.

When the summer ended, I did a complete 180. As I expected, he threw everything he did for me in my face, but it had no affect on me whatsoever. I played them like a fiddle because they thought they were outsmarting me. As for all the free drugs, I think I looked at it as if I was getting a shopping bargain. The reality of it is I only hurt myself by taking all the harmful drugs they were giving me. I also put myself in some dangerous situations. Regardless of whether drugs are free or not, nothing good is going to come out of it. Like I said I have not done meth since I overdosed. I have not done crack in two years. A few weeks ago, a “friend” called asking me if I wanted any crack. She told me her dealer was sitting in her living room and he would wait an hour for me. I told her no. She replied, “If you change your mind, just come within the next hour. I gotta call other people. Bye.” What she was doing was getting as much sales as possible so she could get free drugs from her dealer. The next morning I called my phone company to get my number changed and unlisted. I stopped taking the percocets on September 29. I have been alcohol free since March. I am determined to never again touch drugs and alcohol regardless of whether they are free or not.

I could go on and on about my experiences. The bottom line is I am so very lucky I am not in jail or dead. I just hope this writing saves someone.


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