This is hard for me, so I’m sorry if I stutter. I’ll probably make weird hand movements and look anywhere but your eyes. But this needs to come out, because if I don’t get it out now, I probably never will. I don’t care how long it takes.
How are you? There, that wasn’t so bad. I didn’t melt, or burst into flames like Marilyn Manson at an exorcism. Yeah, sorry. Not a good time for humor. But I don’t really have much else at this point. I don’t really know what to talk about with a guy who I haven’t made eye contact with for nearly a year. World peace? God, there I go again. Sorry. I can’t help it. That was always one of my flaws; I’m never able to be straight with you. You know that, right? At least you did. A year ago. When you were my best friend. Just like I know that you snort when you laugh, that you never want to be like your dad who abandoned your family, and that your brother Chris’ ex-girlfriend was a b-word. I know those things haven’t changed, it’s who you are. But I don’t know if your favorite food is still pizza. I have no idea if you still don’t know what you want to do with your life. I knew, but not anymore. I don’t know you anymore. Do the same things still make you tick? Do you still think the jokes I told are funny? Please tell me. I miss you so much, just so you know. I want to know you again.
I’ve changed a lot, just in case you’re wondering. I have a new favorite food: green beans. I know you thought they are weird, but whatever. I don’t want to go to the same college I did before. And I don’t want five kids anymore, good God, haha. After seeing my two new cousins … Oh yeah! Remember how I was always complaining about not having cousins? You can forget everything I’ve ever said about that. I’m pretty sure my attitude changed too. I’m not as focused on winning or as competitive as I used to be. I’m a lot more … how did you say it? Flowy. I’ve started wearing makeup too. You would have noticed if you ever bothered to actually talk to me anymore. But that’s not your fault, I’d ignore me to after what I did. My other friends and I have changed too. You helped with that, in your own special way. After you left, I held onto them more tightly. I was kinder, and more attuned to emotions. I’ve grown with them.
But I’m still the same in a lot of ways. I still want to be a writer and have a family. I still love God. I’m still socially retarded and have an uncanny talent for saying the perfectly wrong thing at the wrong time. I still head bang to country music. I should probably stop rambling now. That’s a habit of mind I’ve never been able to break. But before I go, and probably back to the way things were a couple minutes ago, I just need to tell you this one thing. If you’ll let me, that is. I really hope you haven’t changed too much. You were such a good person, with a good and loving soul. I hope you stay happy, and remain the perfect and charming boy, and man now, I suppose, that you are. Because even though I’ve changed, there’s one central and integral part of me that never ever will. I was, still am, and most likely forever will be, completely in love with you. So, if you could do one last thing for me, please never change.