The sixth anniversary of my husband’s death is right around the corner. I’m wondering tonight about open hearts. Open hearts are soft, ready to be shaped by love. They are ready for moments of joy, ready to let go of pain. I have an open heart. My only problem is that my heart is only open from time to time—it is no longer open regularly.
There have been moments throughout the six years that have passed, when I have felt ready. I feel ready to open my heart and ponder the possibility of someone else to love. Fleeting moments when I believe in my bones that I will be able to love someone again. These moments pass though. They come and they go.
Then I remember the love I had. It was not easy to come by … it was a long road to find him. Many men, one previous marriage … and then, only then did we find each other. It seems so random. It seems so infrequent. Can it really happen again?
When I think of my life, well, my young, before-him life … I see relationships with others that didn’t work. They all had their moments, but they weren’t the one. They weren’t the one that stopped me in my tracks. They weren’t the ones that really understood me and loved me anyway. There were some good ones, some bad ones, and even some that I thought were keepers. Then there he was. It was like I knew it deep, deep down in my very essence. It took me a long time to find him. How can I ever even think that opening my heart could lead to someone else who would love me?
Here’s the thing though: I’m a relationship person. I like being part of a team. Right now, I’m team leader for my kids and I, but don’t share the teamwork that much with them … it’s a different type of team being parent and kids. It’s just not the same as being with someone … does that make sense?
I want my heart to open. I want to be loved and love someone again. I want to feel, to know another in an intimate way and have them feel and know me … ya know? I miss that. I’ve been doing my work. I’ve been working hard on healing hearts and souls. I want to share my heart again, no matter how broken it may be. I guess the question is will I have the courage to do it again. Will I be able to give it all when I know I can lose it all in an instant? Will someone be able to love me knowing I will always love him? I won’t love them less, but he will always be a part of who I am.
Open hearts are soft hearts, ready to be shaped and by love. Love that is new, love that is old, love that is joyful, love that is cracks it open and breaks it … but most of all, open hearts are willing to love again.