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Painful Yesterday

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The most inspiring moment of my life as a writer is to tell stories about my beloved Mom, it is still fresh when I was with her, preparing her medicines, her vitamins for her bones, and the maintenance for her blood pressure. I remember the day I resigned in my job just to be with her. I want to take care of my sick mother, because I’m still hoping that she will get treated from her stage 4 breast cancer. I know it’s impossible for her to survive since the cancer has already scattered out all over her bones, and the most awful thing is the defected area might have captured her heart that will affect her breathing.

I wish I’m a doctor so that I can treat my mother, I wish I’m a nurse so that I can take care of her so well, I may never get afraid looking at her wounds, dressing it, and cleaning it everyday. It’s really hard for me to see her blood flowing on from her wounded breast, I couldn’t afford to see her in too much pain, I couldn’t sleep every night, hearing her agony. I want to cry, but I want to remain calm and strong, I want my mother see me firm and tough through this hard times.

I took her in our town, as she stopped her chemotherapy in Manila, she didn’t believe that she will be treated in her bad condition and all she wanted is to stay with her family and be with them in the last minute of her life. Unfortunately I wasn’t there when God took her life, I wish I was there by her side holding her hand. I wish I was there telling her, “Mom, it’s okay, you’ll be fine, you will never feel that pain anymore, you will have peaceful rest and sleep.” However, I wasn’t there. I selfishly went back in the city to pursue my dreams, and to fulfil the dream of my Mom. It’s too late for her to see her gift. I wanted to blame myself, if I had work so hard I might be able to give that gift earlier. I never wanted to lose her I’m still hoping that I can still see her on Christmas I’ll be celebrating yuletide season without her. This is so painful and consider as the saddest moment of our lives.

Sometimes, I want to thank God as He had removed all her pains, all her sufferings, but in returns I may not be able to see her again, her smile, her laugh and her touch. I will miss her so much, my mother is one of my best friends, she knows all my secrets and she listens everything that I confided. She comforted me when I feel so down and her arms supported me when I feel like falling on the ground. She made me strong and she is the reason why I keep on aiming high.

I cried so hard when I think how painful my loss is. If I can only undo all the things that had happened, if I can only bring back my mother’s life, I will do everything. I know I didn’t do my best for her, if I only have money, lots of money, I have sent her to a private or a great clinic and seek for specialist Doctor. If I were rich that time maybe I was able to get her check up as earlier to detect her illness not as acute as she had. But the reality that is hitting me is we have nothing, and in this world where money is powerful and important, you will die if you don’t have money.

I begged for help, for her medicines, I begged for money for me to get home and see her in the funeral. How sad, and how painful, when you realized that you couldn’t do the next move without having money. How could I fly to my town and fix her burial if I don’t have money to buy plane ticket? I was so mad and I hate myself, because I wasn’t prepared for this. I hate myself because I didn’t work so hard to get rich. Because even if I work hard like buffaloes I still earn less, not enough for my daily needs, for my fare, my food and house rental fees.

If I don’t succeed financially I will forever remember the pain of the loss of my mother. If I continued struggling in this kind of life, I will never get out of the yesterday’s pain that I wanted to overcome. I want to strive hard and work hard to attain all my dreams because I want my mom proud of me, whenever she is now. I wanted to let go all the pains, all the hardships I had in the past.

This time, this is a new beginning, a life to start all over again. I know I can do this, as my mom in heaven is giving me the light onto my path, she is there to guide me all the way.

John 16:22 So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. (Jesus’ words)

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