I cannot shake this feeling of impending doom today. Perhaps it is because I started out the day fighting with my ten year old daughter (not very smart, but I get sucked in!), and that sort of shut the door on any good feelings I might have had from the start. Or perhaps I have been awarded (or cursed with?) temporary foresight, and am glimpsing the future, however shaded and obscure it might be.
Either way, I am not having a very good day. This is only my second article on DivineCaroline, and ironically enough, my first one was titled, “An Attitude of Gratitude.” HA! Today, I do not feel grateful. Today, I am experiencing a hate-affair with my job. Today, I am angry with my child because she just doesn’t listen. Today, I am feeling great and large amounts of fear and paranoia about my relationship with my boyfriend … all because he sounded withdrawn on the phone last night. Today, I don’t like how my pants are fitting, or how my hair is looking, or anything about myself, both physical and emotional. And today, I feel as though disaster is lurking around the corner.
Going back and proofing what I just wrote makes me feel disgusted with myself. But who among us hasn’t experienced a day like this? I don’t WANT to feel this way! I want to be excited about the fact that I get out early today so I can attend my daughter’s Christmas concert! I want to be giddy with almost-teenaged delight at the thought of spending the weekend with my boyfriend, who I love dearly and who always makes me laugh. But I just can’t seem to bring that out of myself. Right now I’m feeling nervous and scared for no apparent reason. For example, I just sent my boyfriend a text and he hasn’t responded, so what am I thinking? That he is going to break up with me. Or he doesn’t love me, and just hasn’t gotten around to telling me yet. I KNOW it’s silly, but I just cannot break away from it!
I am perfectly aware that our attitudes can dictate our futures, and I know that if I continue along this path of thinking, that I might just cause the horrible and unthinkable to happen. I suppose I just needed to write it all down to see how it looked in print. That’s not to say that I will immediately be able to dispel all negative thoughts and feelings, but at least I can go back and read what I’ve written and go, “Good Lord, woman! Listen to how you sound!” And you can trust me that I do see with both eyes and hear with both ears. However, turning an attitude like this around is difficult…especially when your boss calls you an idiot at least once a day. After a while, you kind of start to believe it.