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Reflections: Preparedness

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I believe in being prepared for everything emotionally, be it disappointment in an evening that has a chance of not turning out well or a loved one falling sick.

I have imagined my boyfriend falling sick, even being admitted to the hospital, and me being the epitome of self-composure and efficiency. And of course, there was always a happy ending, which doesn’t say much for me “preparing” myself. I have realized that I have to prepare myself for those situations actually happening, so as to expect them, but not how I would act in those situations or what the outcome may be.

Yesterday, my boyfriend did fall sick, and I feel guilty for keeping him out late for my own selfish reasons instead of letting him go home early. He ended up going to the hospital too. And here I was helpless at home, with no way of knowing what was going on. And I was praying to God, that he won’t be admitted, that it won’t be all the crazy abdominal conditions I knew of that required emergency surgery.  And it struck me how my imagination of this situation was not even close to what was really happening, to how I was really feeling.

After what seemed like ages, he tells me he’s heading home and I breathe an enormous sigh of relief. And he calls me when he gets home and I have never heard his voice the way it sounded last night and how I ached to be with him, his head on my lap, me stroking his head, just the way he likes it. I was glad he was home, talking to me, something I take for granted at other times, but something I valued so much at that moment. I didn’t need anything more in the world.

Circumstances like these may be simple and straightforward, but when I get to thinking of the depth they hold, it makes me realize how fragile our lives are, how they are subject to considerable amounts of change in the blink of an eye. And that I can never be prepared for any of it, that I may never have a lot of control of the ending. But, am thankful for this very realization and in that itself lies my strength.

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