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She’s gone now—not really gone, but transformed. Going from body to spirit over a year ago. So how can I still grieve her? This year started out ok, but suddenly, I was in a place of disassociation. Not being able to be present in the here and now. No matter where I was, I wasn’t? Back to therapy … again. I was asked, “What is the precipitating event?”

So now, I know that I am still grieving the loss of my Mom. Wow! What to do with that info? I’m told I need to feel my feelings. And, being in my second year of sobriety, I am finding out that this is what happens in that second year. Mom is gone, and now all of her earthly possessions are too. It feels like a big emptiness inside me. No condo to visit, no familiar surroundings. 

So where do I go from here? I am sixty-one and am joining the next generation to pass on! So it’s not just Mom’s passing but realizing my mortality as well. I do believe that when we die we return home. So why am I not so comforted? The other day my grandbaby who is six said to me, “Grandma, I’ll always hold you in my heart, even when you die!” Out of the mouths of babes. She was there when Mom was making her transition, so I believe that she just wants me to know that she will not forget me either.

Now I have taken my Mom’s place. Maybe the real issue is “What have I contributed and will I be remembered?” I know now that I will be remembered thanks to the sweet words of my grandchild. Maybe she is afraid of me going? Now she has taken my place.


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