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Remembering Mom: A Daughter's Story

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It's coming up to the second anniversary of my mother's passing, and to others it will strike the wrong chord, but I have no sorrow, just memories and images, floating in and out of my head like a slide show. You see, I have no sorrow for my mother's passing was one of the most beautiful times of my life. I was her daughter of choice to be trusted to serve as not only her financial fiduciary but her legal medical power of attorney holder. We discussed for many years what “her wishes” would be at this time in her life. It was my hand that signed the hospice agreement. It was my hand that that signed the “discontinue” orders on her meds. It was my hand only that had the privilege of holding hers those last ten days as her other daughters, my sisters, could not be there. It was my voice that got to tell her, "Mom, it is me Morrigu, holding your hand, but within my hand is the love of Cerridwen and Gwydion". It was my arms that got to encircle her with all the aura of a daughter's love, but then too, I would tell her that yes, these were my arms but within them was the love of … and I would call out by name the list of her beloved ones … my sisters, all her grandchildren and great granchildren, and her dear life-long friend “back home”. It was I who, at the first part of our journey together, after the doctor's visit that told us it was “end stage” was able to bless my mother when she said to me, “Morrigu, you have stood behind me and with love I know, firmly pushed me to keep on going, when all I wanted was for this life to come to an end. Morrigu, is it OK now for me to stop trying FOR YOU?” to which I was able to Bless her by answering, yes, mom, you do not have to keep trying for me any longer. Over the course of the next day and a half or so, mom was able to give me a Blessing in return. For in that time she remained sharp-minded as in mind she always was, and she told me then how “proud” she was of me. She told me that she had known only my kind of total “Morrigu” love could extend so far as to do “task of tasks”, she called it, to be able to do exactly as SHE wanted, without allowing my own emotions or sense of loss cloud my judgment or even possibly veer from her chosen course. She told me she loved me more this day than any other day. She confirmed and validated all I had done and all I would still have to do.

Oh, She was right is choosing me. There is NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that I would have done EXACTLY what she had entrusted me to do (no matter how hard each step, each new signature from me, was) with or without this period of lucidity that enabled her to actually tell me I was “doing it right”. Ah, but how much to actually hear those words, spoken by her right now, when we were in the thick of it. It was no longer “planning” or “someday,” it was TODAY. We were there, together, at this place in time we had so carefully not only discussed but legally set in place. We were on the journey now, and she blessed me with her words and her lovingly pat on the back and her “green light”—full speed ahead. As the roses in my mother's bed linens twisted, and twined and bloomed, so had my mother and my relationship in life. It had, frankly, been mostly all twisted and twining every which way, my entire life. But in her passing, in her final journey, we came to fully know one another and the stuff we were each made of. We saw, and felt, as we held hands and watched her favorite old classic movie over and over again, that we certainly were so much more alike than we ever knew. Two STRONG and FEARLESS women; STRONG in love, fidelity, and commitment; FEARLESS in just those same exact things: love, fidelity, and commitment.

The two years since mom's passing—well, she has walked with me as it seems she had never done before, for I truly gained my mother in losing her. We became so much a part of one another on her journey that I feel her ever so close to me at all times. I feel her deep love and respect for me fully with every part of my being. I am nothing but overwhelmed with love and pride for my mother as this day approaches. What an amazing woman this woman was, and I realize now, too, she has a pretty amazing daughter as well.

The two years since mom's passing—remembering mom—well, what it has all meant to me is this: there IS and CAN BE so much beauty in what many or most would call life's darkest moments. We were so Blessed, Mama and I, there was not a hint of darkness in her last journey we took together, hand in hand, nor has there been a moment of darkness in any “remembering mother”. Had I NOT taken this journey, this responsibility, with my mother, my “remembering mother" I KNOW would be so very much different than it is. I am Blessed, truly, that I accepted the responsibility, and received from that this reward—this joy, the peace, in "Remembering mother".


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