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Serious Introspection Is Scary!

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I’ve been thinking seriously about quitting smoking for a few days now. I never really thought about it before that much, just thinking I’ll quit someday. But since I’ve started taking it more seriously, I’ve found out more about myself than I really care to know.

I am an addict. I don’t drink or use illegal drugs, and I don’t overeat or gamble. But I am addicted to cigarettes and that makes me very uncomfortable. I always thought I would be able to just put them down and that would be it, since I don’t go really crazy if I can’t have a cigarette for a while—like when we go to the movies or I ride in someone’s car who doesn’t allow smoking. This is because I know I’ll have one eventually. But the thought of no more cigarettes ever again terrifies me, and that is a blow to my ego.

I am a generally happy person. I love my husband and I am content with my life. Smoking is just so ingrained into my daily life that I feel like, what do I do now? Before I met my husband I didn’t really care that I smoked because before him my life was a living hell, so there was no reason not to smoke. In fact, it was one of the few bright spots of my life. That has changed, of course. So what now? How do I unlearn the behavior that is so unnatural yet is so pleasurable? I don’t know. I hate being a slave to cigarettes but it would really feel like a part of me has died. That’s terrible.

I want to be free. Truly free. My husband says it will take time and it will happen eventually. I can’t stand the thought of discomfort and I tend to be moody anyway, so quitting would really test me. It has been said that you have to go back to the person you were before you started smoking, but I am not the same person. I was sixteen when I started smoking regularly and my life has changed radically since then. Heck, I don’t remember who I was before I started smoking. I could never be that innocent again.

Could I really go back to that fifteen-year-old and live like that again? How?

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