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Sorry, Lord

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Sometimes I’m so taken by the beauty of this earth. Beautiful blue skies, rolling hillsides, grass so green, birds chirping, flying, scents so intoxicating … the list is endless.


Why, I ask myself, am I so ungrateful sometimes. To God, I mean.


I’m so bent on focusing on what I don’t have. Bills unpaid, bellies to feed, work hangovers and stress, lack of direction. When I allow it, this list competes violently with the first. It’s almost real!


And then I remember that as long as I want to carry stuff myself, the latter list will just keep getting longer and longer. Yet I know, the instant I say “God, please take control of this …” It’s like magic! Yeah, sometimes it looks like I’m not getting a response but the instant I receive my response I realize, He galvanized into action the same instant I uttered my request.


I still get depressed sometimes. There have been times I have been angry with Him. Wondering why He should create me and then, (seemingly) abandon me! It’s funny really when I think about it! Little mite me, shaking my fist at the Maker of all the worlds saying “I’ll … I’ll …” What? I’ll what? Beats me, in saner moments!


Have you ever noticed how it’s the best of people we hurt the easiest? The most often. Because we don’t expect them to strike out at us, we all but strike out at them? We’d revile them and do anything to cleanse ourselves of this extreme guilt they make us feel for not being so spick. Not consciously, of course. We don’t even know we’re doing them that way. After all, we are good people ourselves.


I’m shaking my hands so tiny, I’m glad I realize He can see them and I enjoy a few minutes of self righteous anger. Yep! Why on earth would He create me, if He’s not ready to feed me? Why would He create me if He just wants me to suffer and go through financial tight spots, embarrassments and near reproaches, relational pains, family pressures, bad choices, and all sorts?


Just so He can gloat? Just so He can say He is God?


Whew!


I guess I forgot that the reason I get away thinking that way is because He is so nice! I mean if I knew He was mean I would not dare raise a fist, now would I? Forget complain! I know He has a sense of justice, that’s why I’m not expecting Him to strike me down for opening my mouth, right?


I mean imagine this:


What if God was so mean, He created us and then said “Oh! No. I have no use for this one.” And bam! You’re out! And then, “This one’s talking more than I designed her for,” and wham! Out! Then, “This one’s just not pleasing me right now! And gboaa! You’re gone like you never existed. I know some people might feel like they wish for this right now. Then, consider this other scenario:


He says: “What’s she talking about anyway. I created you to suffer, to cry, weep, go through pain, complain, and never die.” My heart skips a bit. Did I write that, imagine it, or even mistake it for reality? Someone please wake me. I need a nudge back to reality!


What if that was the case? What’ll be our lot. All of us? But we know that’s not the case, don’t we? We all know. It’s why we can be so unfair to Him. It’s why we can be downright unkind. It’s why we can think the worst of Him? Because we know He means us no evil. Since most are too scared to shout down the one that really means them harm anyway, they take it out on the innocent! And God is not weak! I’m entranced at the love, patience, and long suffering he shows.


I complain. I shake my fist at Him, get angry at Him, and accuse Him of everything bad that I know cannot be His plans for me because I know they are not His plans for me! If they were, I couldn’t complain now, could I? I’d be too glad to keep myself from complaining so He would not remember I existed and add suffering to suffering.


I have been unfair to God so many times. Maybe sometimes because I know I’ll get away with it.


And that’s why now, I’m saying, “Sorry, Lord!”

“Sorry, Lord!”


I’m not complaining.

I simply want to thank you for so many blessings I don’t see because I’m too busy expecting more. Too busy complaining.

“Thank you, Lord.”


“I’m sorry, Lord.”


And, Lord? 

“Thank you.”

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