As I walk home from school, I enjoy every breath and every sight of every second; I enjoy that part of life, for I know the rest will be hell. Once I step into my so-called “sanctuary,” I feel like I’m protected from the devils roaming around the world. But they always seem to come in and haunt me. They kill me slowly every day, more and more as the days go by.
They seem to enjoy the suffering they cause me. They love it when I break down and become insanely crazy. I don’t understand myself, I don’t love myself, and I don’t know who I am in this world, but somehow I understand my soul. My soul is the only thing I present myself as. But it’s hidden in me, so I don’t know how to present it to humans. You see, most humans are ignorant and naïve and seem to miss the little things in life. Not all are ignorant; most are beautiful souls like me, but their souls shine like the burning sun as mine hides behind my heart. I’m going crazy, my heart races, my tears flow down my cheeks to the skin of my thighs, and I can’t control my breath. Who should I tell, who should care, who will be my savior before it’s too late?
I know my depression does not come from my eating disorder or whatever you may want to call it. I call it my stupidity lifestyle of stupidness world, stupid. My heart aches for something else. You see when something horrific happens, I tend to block it so well I actually forget about it for a while. It’s when I find out that I get emotional about it. For instance, my loving aunt who took care of me my whole life left us when I was ten years old. I was in shock, but blocked it until last year, when I realized how much I missed her and broke down crying. My mind is weird; I think differently, most people do, but I’m different for sure. Something happened in my life that I can’t remember. It’s killing me; I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I think of horrible things. When I walk past the corner of my street, I imagine myself tripping and breaking my face and teeth. When I see a knife, I imagine myself slipping and cutting my neck open. After a shower, I always think ghosts are right in front of my face and will make me fall and break my back. I may have paranoia or something. I really don’t know and don’t wish to get stupid pills that will “help” me. My life is lonely and my friends don’t understand; they think I’m a great, optimistic, intelligent, and sweet girl. My heart beats harder and harder for no reason every day. It’s like it’s telling me it wants to get out and shine in the open night sky like the other ones around the moon.
I wonder what my soul mate is doing right this minute. He probably died and that’s why I don’t manage to love anyone anymore. Oh, how I wish he would find me and heal my scar that’s destroying my soul. My poor innocent soul, how I wish it would be free in this world of opportunities. I really don’t know what I’m even doing now; I’m just trying to let my soul speak out for once. Of how I love you, but you don’t know, Jennifer.