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Is That Supposed to Be There?

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Oh my God … it finally happened! I saw it and now it cannot be denied. Nipple hair! WTF? As I get older, I am starting to feel a little like a stranger in my own body. I think I might be … well, broken? Is that normal? Where did that come from? What in the world is that and what in the hell is it doing there?


Sweat: Seriously, am I the only one sweating from places that I once thought had no sweat glands! So, yesterday, I am working out in the yard, I say hi to my neighbor and he waves at me with a sick little smirk on his face. I just ignored him. A few minutes later, I came in to take a break. When I went into the bathroom, I almost fell over. Staring back at me in the mirror was a smiley face made out of sweat. Let me explain: the eyes were two round sweat marks around my boobs, the nose was my stomach sweat, and, well … how to put this, the mouth was a nice crescent-shaped sweat mark in my v-area! Boob sweat, vulva sweat—is this for real? I sweat in places I did not even know existed until they become wet!


Nipples: Not only did I most recently find stray nipple hair, I think my nipples are getting bigger! Now I would not complain if  my boobs were getting bigger right along with them. But they are not! If this trend continues as I get older, by my calculations, my boobs will be entirely covered in nipple by the time I am fifty. Since they are all ready covered in sweat and hair, this will be a trauma of incomprehensible damage to my self-esteem!


Veins: I think you could find your way to California if you follow the varicose veins in my upper thigh to my knee! No, really, it looks like an angry person tried to get out of a dead-end maze down there. The only plus to this is that I no longer need a road map to find my way out-of-state!


Hair: When I said I wanted thicker hair, this is not what I had in mind. Not only are my nipples being invaded, so are my thighs, face (including chin, ears, lip, and forehead), my feet (including toes), and my v-jay-jay! Instead of using body wash, I may start just shampooing myself from head to toe!


Skin: If it’s not hairy, covered in veins, or sweating, it’s hanging and dangling! My thighs rub together. My ass hangs. I lost track of how it is my boobs ended up so close to my stomach. I wave and my arm flap waves back! I am pretty sure I will never see my nipples without lifting my boob up again. My chin is trying to visit my chest on a permanent vacation, and most recently, I saw my armpits eat my boobs when I lay down.

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