Your Body
I used to leave my body all the time when I was having sex, but since I married my last husband, I think it has happened only once. That was when we first started having sex. I also used to drink a lot and take speed to keep going. It was the pills form, not the other. The food is something else entirely. I think I weigh 222 right now, but at one time I weighed 269.
When I don’t want to deal with something, I feel as I turn to stone. I don’t feel anything at all. Like my sons, one of my sons has completely cut me off from him and his family because I reposed his truck, because he was not making the payments. I was and I could not afford it. So I have not seen my grandchildren since last May. My youngest and I are now talking because I did the same thing to him, because he was selling pot and I didn’t want the pickup picked up if he got busted. I don’t like my body at all; I am ashamed of it. I think my body is ugly. I used to dance a lot at the bars and I enjoyed dancing very much. We don’t do it anymore. I have hit walls and knocked holes in the walls before. I was a bouncer for four years, and I didn’t care who I broke up in a fight. Matter of fact I would rather fight a man than a woman.
Intimacy
I don’t know if I trust anyone any more. I don’t even know if I trust myself. I have one close friend, and she has been my friend for over twenty years. It is hard for me to take compliments for people. I am affectionate with my husband and youngest son, and that is about all. I used to pick losers left and right and try to fix them instead of fixing myself. I have dated men who were abusive and took it, and then sometimes I wouldn’t. Don’t ask me to explain because I could not tell you.
My brother-in-law and sister-in-law like me as long as I am doing something for them, but when I am not, I am white trash and evil. So yes, I get taken advantage of a lot. But I am doing my best not to anymore. They can play by my rules. All of my relationships never worked out before I met my husband now. This is the first time I have pretty much lived in peace and harmony. I am all ways testing the people I love to see if they still do, and I know deep down inside they do, but I have to be told to make me feel secure. I always expect people that I care for to leave sooner or later, and they always do. So I don’t expect anything else. If I am trying real hard to please someone I will bend over backwards to please them. I have always done this since my mother. I always had to buy her love but it never worked, she just used me like everyone else.
Sexuality
Between the ages of eighteen to nineteen I had slept with forty-eight men total. Before that I had only slept with two. I got very good at sex so they would always come back. Then I would decide whether or not to sleep with them again or not. I have slept with some abusive sex partners, but not many. I couldn’t handle the pain. My husband makes me feel special sometimes. But sometimes he says (you want some); he doesn’t mean anything with it, it just reminds me of some of the other ones I have had. I enjoy making love to my husband now, but before it was all an act. When we make love I like being on top because I feel safer and enjoy it more. He understands this, plus he is a big man. We have tried him being on top, and it freaks me out, and I start gasping for air and shut down emotionally. So that is why when we make love I am on top.
