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Sweet . . . Emotions

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Oh boy my first challenge in a long time! I have entered a contract with myself to write everyday for a month. I AM going to succeed at writing every day for twenty-nine days. It is the SHORTEST month and if I can’t then I won’t be a writer.
I am learning so much about myself and I am happy for the first time in what seems like an eternity. Even at the birth of each of my kids the happiness was surrounded with fear. Fear was the number 1 emotion in my life it seems like forever. I am trying to knock fear off the top and put it somewhere it belongs, close to the bottom. We all need fear to keep us in place to some degree but not to the extent I had it. I am so grateful I found the book Co-Dependent No More, it is opening up layers and layers of locked up emotions. Good and bad emotions. I am becoming ME and I am in no rush. I am enjoying my days at a good pace. I have no rush to be anywhere. I am okay today. I always was in a rush to be somewhere thinking my head would be good once I achieved whatever it was. A new house, when my kids get to be . . . When my ex gets a real job making money, when I make more money, when, when, when. I feel so good lately I don’t care about WHEN anymore. I spend my days now focusing on the task at hand. I have been able to write even when I think I have nothing to write about. The river is flowing up in this head of mine. My kids are okay, my house is okay, my mom is okay, my job is okay. I look forward to each day, no more anxiety about getting the laundry done, going grocery shopping, getting to work on time. I am amazed at the transformation I feel right now knowing I am healing and it is because I discovered I am co-dependent to the utmost but I can fix it. All I have to do is be aware that I am, make sure I don’t put myself in the line of other people’s fire, don’t try to fix other people’s problems and keep up with my responsibilities. I am responsible for my actions, keeping my children safe and healthy. I am responsible to be present when I am with my kids, and when I am with others. I find that really listening is all I need to do. I don’t need to be defensive or try to explain myself. I am who I am and once I accept me for me I will be really good, excellent actually.

I am not striving for perfection, I am striving to just be able to say life is good and mean it.  I am evolving and I am getting comfortable in my own skin, I can’t ask for more than that!


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