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Thoughts

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I’m at work right now. I should be working … but I am feeling particularly inspired at the moment and since that hasn’t happened in quite some time, I don’t want it to go to waste! First, I’d like to share that I love writing. I always have. In eighth grade, I started to write a book; I hand-wrote about 275 pages worth, then put it on the shelf to make changes as I matured. I certainly matured and throughout high school, I tried to make changes to this story about a teenage girl who was in love with a boy and his mustang—which was completely imagined—ha! No, no it wasn’t. I figured it impossible to improve upon and rather than holding onto it to treasure in my later years, I was mortified that it existed and burned it. Now, I’m devastated. And I have felt a writer’s block pretty much since then. I’ve always dreamed of writing a book. I know this might be very far in the future and I know I will have to practice a lot first but, that is why I want to write more on DivineCaroline so that I can get the experience I need.

Something I struggle with very often are my thoughts. I am learning and relearning and relearning again, and again how I need to control and redirect my thoughts, because I get stuck in this swirling vortex of negative thought patterns. Suddenly, not knowing how I got there, I feel insecure with myself, my relationship with God, and in my relationship with my boyfriend. I think about the boyfriend obsessively at times, What is he doing, who is he talking to, why isn’t he talking to me, does he really want to be with me? I have nothing good to offer him. I won’t stand for these thoughts ANYMORE! I know in my head that I need to loosen up the reigns, give him his freedom, and he will come to me. And he does come to me anyway, but, I want to be normal—relatively. I want to be happy and help make him happy—not swimming in my cesspool of ill-thoughts. So I read Philippians 4:8 and Colossians 3:2-4 and I am feeling renewed, restored and rejuvenated. I just have to stick to it!

I long for literary inspiration. God help me.

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