I am a 22 year old girl, who has been abused, emotionally, physically and sexually.
Neglected for all my life, After a failed suicide attempt I left home in pursuit of a better world where I didnt have to torture, self mutilate and be ashamed of myself anymore for the things in my life that I could not change..
Instead, I find myself falling deeper into my own darkness and I have chosen a life of solitude, stripping and prostitution. This Article (Actually just a blog of thoughts written down as they come to me) is not for sympathy or empathy, but so I can finally share my story with.. someone.. may it be only one person.
Some of these are recent and some are old – all mixed and are at a different time of my life. Some may make sense and others wont, but thank you for reading.
To hear the voice of a saint whispering soothing lullaby’s into ones mind, to calm the storm of anxiety and suspend the lighting of confusion.
The warmth burns as hard and as harsh as embers on the wood of sacred forests, and forms ash as thick and as black as the darkness of human hearts.
To hear nothing but the emptiness of echoes, droplets reverberating off the walls of self. To be left in the pool of sorrow others have cast upon you. Buried in shadows and prying for love and acceptance, you find a field of dust and stale air.
I am alone, among many.
Loud but never heard. I stand, screaming with fear that crawls out from the deepest pits of my heart. The rain feels like acid on my violated remains. No longer is virgin skin, this apple as sweet as the lemon on the tongue of a child. Its disgust never confused.
Forever beaten down, blunt blades coursing over your soul maliciously ravenous.
Determined to destroy the future in which your temple holds your faith.
But in these events, cracks in the cave allow light to seep and there you find the hand to which rescued lovers obtain – forever.
Once grasped the hand of god, I am pulled from the ice and placed on a cloud of security. Future beaming with a light so powerful, the gods themselves kneel to its beauty. I surrender my being, like the lamb to the wolf.
Scholars of philosophy no longer needed to answer questions unanswered. History suspended in a single moment of pure joy. Eternity no longer a word to fear and hope filled my body from the tips of my fingers to the ends of my toes. Outwards I feel the power of your energy soothing my veins. Blood rushing through me, the motions like the sun on melting ice, slowly re-animating frozen waterfalls.
I am free.
Quivering knees become stable roots and glazed eyes dry. The world is in a spectacular array of vibrant colours. The air is a drug, breath after breath I take in your scent. Perfection unobtainable, but you are perfect. A Diamond ring so rare, you shine on a mantle above me. Is the world so cruel as to give one jewellery in which it cannot keep?
For love is a ring that is lost and found, always treasured, always valued but at times taken for granted?
Shattered and unrepairable my body laid naked and vulnerable. The armadillos armour pierced to reveal the soft flesh of the child once torn apart by the claws of those whose blood bind her.
Once again, I was left alone to stand there in the pain of my past. Who would hear me cry? Who would hear my anger? Who would show me love and teach me forgiveness?
Sharp infected teeth of a beast only know to the underworld tear me limb from limb.
Punishment only fit for one who is so selfish and blind of a lover’s pain. The sounds of my eternal torture replay in my mind as I lay helpless, tears streaming from the red raw roots of my eyes. Quivering, fearing isolated.
It is not the truth of words that hold me, but the truth in your eyes that aches me.
Pity reflects so vividly I could touch it. The reflection of myself churns my stomach, my inside collapsing. Once again I sink, the quicksand engulfs my body and I am back again, left to remain with the Minotaur who will see that pain is inflicted.
Do you remember when we first set eyes on each other?
Wasn’t it such a sight? I was just a young girl, unknowing of my future. The idea of loving someone was so far beyond me. But there you were.
I can’t even begin to write down what I was thinking. Emotions were overwhelming and I fantasized about you the majority of the time. However, it was not sexual (not all of it) it was more the idea of having our bodies intertwined, our hearts meshed, and our souls playing in a safe and blissful state of mind.
Your touch was like a saint so warm and real. Before I met you I had so many sleepless nights, on edge, scared that I would be awoken by my demon.
However, when I lay in your arms and my head was against your chest, listening to the sound of your heart beat, nothing could ever touch me. No fear, no anxiety, no anger. The soft beating of your heart was as melodic as an angel’s harp playing on a starry night, for all the animals of the zodiac and all the gods of the world.
I could hear your tune, and you could hear mine. Not only could we understand each other but we knew each other. Your pain was my pain and our pain was there to share. It was not so bad, all the suffering I had gone through to know that I could one day come home to you. I would have endured far worst if I knew that your love was the end result of years of loneliness. That loneliness made your company so much sweeter.
Crying and bleeding were my best friends. The warmth of the trickling red oozing from my veins dripped in perfect accord to the clear, silent, serene tears.
Did I ever tell you what it really felt like to say goodbye? Have I told you how much it hurts when I think about that night? The night when I thought I had taken my life.
Hours were spent, head down in darkness. I did not know what I was praying for.
But now I realise, it was you. Knees bled, for years and years. I clawed my hair from my scalp and tore the skin of my bones; I would beat my internal organs, collide head on with walls because I did not know how to ask for a saviour, because I had never met one.
We gazed far beyond our eyes dear friend. We gazed into each others essence of self.
Acknowledgment and understanding came not from this life but from our past. Our connection ran deeper then this material world. Who could know me so well as to not know me at all?
Regret is only the beginning. The stages of grief consume me as I sit here, repressed and unable to once again consolidate this pathetic excuse for a human being.
Lost and frightened, this lions raw is as tangible, as the shadows that flicker from her fiery wounds. Merely a coward stands behind the mask of courageousness.
In all attempts to save your own final fantasy, this warrior has fallen.
You write above love… love that can only exist as a form of matter, with no explanation, answer or physical body. The mind swirls and a starving soul devours emotion to replace the emptiness this creature must endure. Love, is only made up.
Like a house given the title “haunted” to evoke a feeling. Love, is used to invoke a humans feelings. We don’t love each other. Selfish and undeniably miserable we leech of each others lies to replenish a thirst that is unconditional and flaky.
“Until the rivers are drained, we shall travel to find water that will quench the thirst”
Sadness is a void inside of you, a huge hole, with a spot reserved just for you, and your clawing onto the outside, clinging, CLINGING on for dear life, pleading for someone to hoist you up and say.. “Hey, I got you, I got you its all good, and you’re safe now”
But instead, you just keep falling down that hole, and the further you go, the less light you see. Until, there’s nothing left, and you just sit there, no idea where you are or who you are and you cry, cry, and sob.. Not even an echo, not even a drip, not a sound of suffering… silent, silent…
To the Man that Murdered me,
There are so many things that I would like to ask you,
How did it feel when you touched my breast?
The nights you stole, all my sleepless rests,
So confused, between love and pain,
What could you possibly have to gain?
Could you hear me silently cry?
Did you know that I wanted to die?
Merciless slaughter of my heart and soul,
This psychotic laughter filled my body,
Shaking, aching, convulsing with sickness,
Having to be your personal interest,
Scrubbing my body did not cure,
Holding in hurt that I could no longer endure,
Bleeding from the inside did not purify,
Stand before a judge and would not testify,
What shall we be, if we are not what we are already?
Who will fulfil our desires, if we have not what we desire?
Does life or god chose our path before we breathe our first breath?
Who will know or understand me if I do not understand myself?
Is this all that life has to offer me and why do I have so many questions?
These pills.. are my god.
This bottle of alcohol is my saviour.
Deliver me from evil! I shout from the pits of my soul.
Turning over in my mind, images I cannot control like lighting bolts through the sky
Pierce my thoughts. So surreal and unnatural I lay in this rain attempting to comprehend what feels like a lifetime of pain I have had to endure.
What makes a human come to such a place?
Why am I unable to look at my face?
My world is overrun with pain, hatred, darkness, resentment, turmoil and despair.
However, I cannot see myself living in any other space.
People walk by me, unable to see, nor feel my sadness.. I live in this comfort knowing
That I have control over my own emotion yet at the same time feel no power in able to change it. Contradicting I know!
So I try to escape
The question is really, what do I want?
I want to feel.. Something other then this..
What would it be like to have that white picket fence life? The husband, the children and someday be a wife.
My only partner is my adrenalin, the scars the addiction. What keeps me going is knowing I don’t have to be here if I choose. Is that normal? Am I normal?
(Confused – deranged- giggling slightly)
Does praying for death make me insane?
Maybe I respect life more as I live in each moment contemplating death while everyone else is so caught up on living they forget to actually live.
My mind is scrambled.. These drugs are really kicking in..
What a sensation, it’s like a shot, a shot of emotion.
(Long pause – then begins crying)
