Anyone who has read any of the articles I wrote here over the last few months can pretty much tell what my life has been like over the past few years. Just look at the titles and they tell you everything—loneliness, heartache, lack of self esteem and self worth, suicidal thoughts, a general feeling of going over the edge.
My conversations with God have been either arguing with him or thanking him. When little things go right, which don’t happen very often, I remember to thank God, when things go wrong as they most often do, I argue with God, I accuse him of not listening to me, of ignoring me. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have been down on my knees, crying, begging God for help. The pain I felt inside is indescribable, I never thought I could feel hurt so deep inside, I am sure everyone at some point in their life experiences that kind of hurt and pain. The kind of pain that makes you wonder what you’re really doing here, why is God insisting on keeping me alive, I was convinced that If I died that no one would care, no one would miss me. See in my mind that was the truth to me. I had no self worth. I felt I served no purpose.
After all the years of begging for help though, help came in the form of a friend I met on this site, someone I never met in person, and probably will never meet. We live in two different countries, but Denise, found in her heart to help me, by just listening and offering all the guidance that she could offer. She too had trouble in her life, but chose to help me. I now have a new best friend, I never had one of those before, I never knew what it was like to confess things to someone and not be judged for the things I think and the things I thought I did wrong, the thing I thought I was being punished for.
I didn’t know that there were people so selfless still around, I lost all faith and trust in people a long time ago, and with just a few lines of encouragement, Denise has restored my faith in people. To me, she is the angel that I have been begging God to send, an angel on earth, one who I could talk to and get a response from. She has now, over the past few weeks, because of God’s call on her life, coached me through some touch times that seem to still be coming my way. It is easier to handle tough times when there is someone there to listen, even if they don’t completely understand. Thank you Denise, you saved me. I haven’t had any thoughts of suicide since I started talking to her, cause in my mind, someone cares and not just a family member or a long time friend or a counselor who thinks they must care. But a complete stranger, took time out from her problems and her life to help me. ME!! Someone cares enough to help me. And GOD loves me enough to send her. God loves me enough to save me. After eight years of pain, God loves me enough to save me. He is seeing me, he knows me, he loves me.
I recently remembered a dream that I had last year sometime, it was one of those dreams that, seemed so real. I was kneeling in front of someone dressed in a white robe with sandals on, the kind of white that you can’t even look at cause its so bright, and I touched his feet, my hands touched his feet. I touched Gods feet. It was real, I know it. I haven’t thought of that dream in so long. I couldn’t see anything positive in my life, all I saw was the endless negative, I didn’t remember that dream till now.
I touched God’s feet and if I had remembered that all these months, those thoughts of worthlessness wouldn’t have been there, because I would know that he loves me so much that he let me touch his feet.
I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I was even one month ago. Things are far from perfect, and probably will never be, more things go wrong that right, still, but, I am loved by God. And he reminded me of that dream so I wouldn’t feel so alone, he sent me Denise, so I wouldn’t feel so alone.
Thank you God. I can only hope that I can help someone the way Denise has helped me. I hope I can encourage someone to know that no matter what is going on, and I know how bad things can go wrong, I know. Taking you life is not the answer, giving up is not the answer. There is a way out, and no one can tell you when the way out will come, you may have to wait. But you can have help while waiting. You can have love and encouragement while you wait. You don’t have to do it alone, there is always someone, even if that someone is far away and has their own problems, that someone can help you.
And it may seem like God is ignoring you, but he isn’t, look for the ways in your life that he shows you he is there, it is hard to see anything positive when you are in pain, but look, look hard, there is something, that shows you God is there and seeing you and loving you and most important SAVING YOU, from all the bad things, he is there.