I’ve always been the kind of person who deeply appreciates any person who has enough guts to tell me the truth.
I’ve been wrestling with managing my finances properly since I moved out of my parents’ home seven years ago. I brought up finances before going to sleep last night (poor judgment) and my boyfriend told me the truth. He said that I am behind financially this month because I didn’t follow my budget. This is usually the kind of comment that I would admire and be grateful for, but I believe now that it was so true that I was immediately defensive and started a fight. I pushed him beyond his limit and made him angry. It was an out-of-body experience for me, watching myself get so angry with him and not keeping my mouth shut, I knew what was right in my head, but it was like I was possessed.
I drove him away … if only for one evening, it still broke my heart. He’s an incredible man. He does so much for me. Even yesterday, the very day of my explosion, he had done so much for me that I was overwhelmed with gratitude, but also a feeling of inferiority that I cannot offer him the same amount of provision and moral support that he has given me.
I sought my heart and my thoughts to see what could cause such an unnecessary outburst.
1) I’m afraid of him giving me so much and not being able to pay him back and also of taking him for granted. I have a tendency to become very selfish, self-centered, and I’m afraid of feeling like I’m entitled to such star treatment.
2) I also considered I may be in need of some time alone, because I have been so busy and stressed out from work that I have not felt in-tune with myself to recognize what I might need.
3) Maybe I should seriously consider a study in anger management self-help books.
4) How could I act like such a psycho? Do I need a shrink and medication? Is this normal or do I have some hormonal imbalance?
5) And finally … I realized that I was so wrong … and that he was so right. I was wrong in going to his house when he very obviously needed space from me. I was wrong to disrespect him over and over. I was wrong to get upset with him when he was so honest with me.
It’s terrifying for me to be this in-love. I think the more you have, the more you have to lose. I’m so afraid of doing something that will ruin it all. I am learning, though, that the more you think about what you have to lose and the loss of it all, that you don’t realize when you have the greatest thing right in front of you. I want to look at him in my life and really see him … to see the role he plays in my life, to see how much he truly means to me and how incredible it is to have him. I want to look at him and be undeniably grateful that he chooses to carry out his day-to-day with me. Even if it’s just for one more day.
Looking back at everything that has happened in the last year and he’s still here… He still chooses me! It’s hard to believe all we’ve gone through in such a short time. And so far, he still chooses me. What a silly thing to get so upset about…his forgiveness is so sweet … kinda reminds me of Jesus …
(Thank You God for the opportunity to run on the trail this morning … and I thank You even MORE for the surprise rain showers You gave me! It was beautiful and sweet and exhilarating! Thank You for showing me the wildflowers … I hope he likes them.)