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My mom is dead.

This is the first thought I wake with and the last thought before I sleep. This is the central focus of my day for the past two months. She was healthy in May and gone in November and I don’t know why or how and I never will. I think I did it, killed her I mean. I am the one who convinced her the nursing home would be a good, but temporary idea. The doctors at the hospital said it was only for twenty days and what could happen in that short amount of time? How could a strong vibrant woman decline in thirty days? I never realized how much of my life involved my mom, she was just there like a gentle breeze that touches your face, you appreciate it but hardly acknowledge it, barely notice it, until it’s gone and then you crave it. I didn’t know she was the rock I clung too until I was set drifting and now I don’t know how to move on. There are others in my life. I have a loving husband and beautiful children but I am still lost. Every day of my life she was there supporting me, guiding me, encouraging me and fighting with me. My greatest advocate and adversary, friend and foe and I don’t know how to move on without her.

My mom is dead.

It doesn’t get easier. I go to my closet to cry and wail. It’s been nine weeks and I can smile and I have entire hours where I don’t think about her at all and then I remember she’s not there. A pervading emptiness fills me and I am numb. It has been two months and now I cry. I see that I have done nothing in my home and realize that part of me stopped sixty-three days ago. I didn’t die with her but I have gotten so lost without her. My husband tells me that this is the grieving process and that it will continue for sometime, I don’t want it to. I want to fast forward to a time where I can feel something unforced and good. I want to jump to a place where I am happy when I am alone and not just wanting to be alone because I don’t want to let my pain out with anyone, I don’t have anyone I trust enough to be that raw with. My safety is gone and I don’t know where to find it again.  

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