Very Lost

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On November 6, 2006 I woke up like every other work day and started my routine. I went down stairs, put the coffee on, and proceeded to continue on, when I noticed that the bathroom light was on. I was the only person up in the house so I knew someone had left the light on all night, this upset me a little bit. I had fought with my son the night before about this very issue. It was our first real fight in his sixteen years of life. My son Zane is truly an angel sent from heaven. The fight was really about his friends’ lack of consideration for our home actually. So I entered the bathroom to find the tub was still full of water, I was feeling kind of strange since this was very unusual. I went looking for other out of place things when I saw my sweet baby sleeping on the couch. I was interrupted by the phone ringing so I answered it, it was my husband who was away on his job. He is a commercial fisherman. We talked for a few minutes and hung up. I got dressed and was ready to leave for the gym prior to going to work. I felt a strong sense of urgency to kiss my son, tell him I love you, and have a good day. We usually got to do that every morning at least by phone.

Since we had fought the night before (although we had made up and spent time together) I still felt unsettled and needed to hug him. I went to wake him and noticed he looked wrong. I touched my baby’s arm and he was cold, I covered him and tried to wake him to find he was not responding. I screamed for my oldest son to come and help me. I started CPR and called 911. My son Zane’s friend was here and she continued the CPR while I was on the phone, my other son was on the floor crying and vomiting. He knew his brother was gone. I know I knew but I just could not believe this was real. The ambulance took my angel away and the next time I saw him he was in a room waiting for me to say goodbye for the last time.

Understand that when god sent me my children, it was to save my life. Being a mother has been the most important piece of my existence. My oldest son is a wonderful person with truly beautiful qualities. My baby was another kind of gift. Zane was a most angelic spirit here on earth. The people he touched, his wisdom, and genuine love was beyond his years. I always believed he was an old soul. Zane and I had a very special relationship, he was my biggest fan, my best friend, and a gift to me. We still hung out, went shopping together, watched movies, and talked about everything! We had just taken a weekend trip, just the two of us for our birthdays, they were twenty days apart.

There are so many things I could write about but I would be writing for days and days. Mostly I just need to say how completely lost I am without my son. The loss of him has destroyed me. I have a fair understanding of spirituality and my son Zach, along with Zane’s friend Brooke to keep me going through the motions. I feel as if I am doing ok by them. It is inside that I am so empty. My passion for living has diminished and my desire to “live” life has disappeared. My baby lived every day like it was a holiday! Life was a celebration to him all of the time. Amazing, we called him the holiday kid from the time he was little. I so much wish I could live that same way to honor him, unfortunately I just can not seem to get passed the crushing pain. Everything I would celebrate is so painful because it reminds of one memory or another of him.

I returned to work on a part time basis in October of 2007 for two months and found I was not quite ready. My inside aches always to hold him, hear his voice, or smell his hair. Sounds weird I am sure but since he was tiny I would always hold him and smell his hair. Most of the time I wish my eyes would never open again, the other time I just feel numb.

I go out with friends some times, I keep my home up, pay bills, shop for groceries, and do all of the stuff. It is not working, my entire identity is lost. I have no idea how to learn to live with my son. I have learned that I can function in the world without really living.

I would like to mention that I have been sober and clean for twenty years and continue on that path for my children’s sake. Also, my son died from an enlarged heart, it was his time to go home, I was not ready! I have rejected the medications that were being thrown at me for depression, I feel strongly about me personally not taking drugs.

I am just not sure about anything anymore! Matters of the heart are hanging in the balance with my husband for now and I am even numb about that too. There is such of sense of waiting and I don’t know for what it is I am waiting. Time seems to have stopped on that day and froze.

I pray every day for the next step to be revealed and my heart be filled with love not fear. I guess that is what it is for now. So lost …


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