Ok so I read the story of Rachel and Leah. Rachel was pretty and Leah was “ugly” or as the Bible refers to her as “weak eyes’. One was able to give Jacob children and one was not able. They both had the same father yet the beautiful one Jacob really wanted. Yet their father gave Leah to marry Jacob. He fooled Jacob. Yet in the late in life Rachel gave birth to Joseph who later in life would be thrown away by his brothers and brought up to rule a kingdom. My whole point is God blesses those who are good. The man who betrayed Jesus was ridden with guilt and killed himself. There are many stories in the bible that we all can refer to.
This morning I woke up and I felt like something was pulling at me. I prayed and I asked for forgiveness for holding on to the things that people do and say. Later on in the day I was gossiping about my brother and how his family have ruined the house we live in. But now I feel guilty because my brother was upstairs asleep. Now I have three brothers and one sister. My mother and I really have a love hate relationship. She favors my brothers. All of my brothers are in relationships and all of them are having children. My little Brother who survived cancer is having his first. My second brother who is a coach is having a second and a boy. My older brother who is a security guard is married and has five and this will be his sixth. He is also a minister. My sister is married and she has four boys and is the Queen of her house.
Me? I realized I am not as blessed as they are. I have nothing, no one, and this is because of how I am. I am not perfect I do my best but can give more. I give and I take huge kicks in the butt from the people I give to. I am in need and I really want this place but I have no one to help me or to turn to. My mother carries my brothers yet I am hated. I have two children and a job. I am in college pursuing my Associates degree. I feel like this is all that Life will give to me. The doors have closed for me and I feel like I won’t get anyone or anything else ever again. Material things don’t last forever nor does money but when you are left to deal with everything especially loneliness that’s different. This is not written for anyone to pity me or my situation but just to say look at your life and ask your self do you deserve all you have the houses the cars the money your children and your husband. I may never get what I ask for ever again and that is my punishment for my big mouth, for holding on the negativity for being selfish and for not being thankful.