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Divorced now. It's been a year since I left my marraige, 6 months since it was final.
I think I'm healing, in the sense that I realize I REALLY didn't love him. I was right. I just didn't. And when I see him, I remember why I left.
So, what's the problem, you ask? Why an article about anxiety from someone who knows she made the right choice in ending her marraige?
Every day starts with anxiety. I awake w/ the birds, lie there, and my brain starts to say,' you're stupid to have left him. You're going to die on the street with no home, no money, nowhere to go, what are you going to do next???'
My hands shake, my thoughts race, concentration comes hard, my stomach is always in knots, especially in the AM, when it's quiet and all I have to listen to are these terrifying thoughts of mine.
I am underemployed, in a different state, but not far away from where home was. I shouldn't be afraid, I'm a big girl. I got a bit of cash which can keep me going for a few years in OK, not high, but OK fashion. BUT, I have a history of anxiety and depression, which I thought was related to my feelings about my ex and how he emotionally belittled me. I took myself off the meds I needed after I left him - thought that he was the problem. I'm finding outthat wasn't the case..
I worry about everything - the money, the lack of work, my family and their opinion of mesince I left my marriage ( they loved and still do love my ex), my aging and sick parents, you name it. Even irrational things like, will I ever have another man in my life?
Men in my lfe - that's another complicationg factor - I have a wonderful man in my life - a married man, who says he can't live w/out me, yet won't leave his unhappy partnership. It's been a hard time lately - I've told him I'm seeking another relationship and actually have been upfront w/ him regarding a date I have recently had, and somewhat enjoyed. He cried.
So, anxiety. It's become such a part of my life that I expect it to be there when I awake in the morning, making me tense, making my shoulders and back cramp and hurt, making my general feeling of well-being disappear.
I am back on the Wellbutrin, just 2 days now. I am not ashamed to admit this, but, I think it's always going to be a part of my life, the need for some chemical help, as this insidious snake just crawls into a corner of my psyche then starts to uncoil and rattle and bite me from the inside.. I don't think I'm weak; I think I'm flawed.
Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm saying? Just tell me that you get this. I'll at least feel like I'm not alone. Because that's how I fell, almost 100% of the time. And I hate it.


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