The other day I was thinking about my goals and aspirations. I listed (in my head) all of the things I wanted to achieve. One of the things at the very top of my list was the purchase of my dream home. I started building the dream of owning a beautiful home when I was very young. I use to look through magazines admiring the big beautiful homes with their manicured lawns, curved staircases, and big back yards. I vowed to myself when I was younger that one day I would own a home just like the ones in the magazines.
So the other day while listing my goals in my head, a feeling of disappointment came over me. I couldn't understand why I hadn't purchased my dream home yet. If millions of other people could own homes there was certainly no reason why I couldn't. I could certainly visualize myself walking through every inch of my house admiring the time and dedication that the builders put into it. I could see myself sitting at my kitchen table enjoying a cup of coffee or on the back patio looking out at the pool. So why in the world wasn't I, in that moment, in my dream home?
I knew that I really really wanted it, and all of the teachers that I had come across in recent years told me that I could have whatever I dreamed of. The messages from these teachers seemed simple enough … if you really really want something the universe would supply you with the means to be able to fulfill it. So not having my house made me think that the universe didn't like me, didn't hear my request, or was flat out ignoring me. Because I really really really wanted the house and the universe really really really was not answering my request.
I thought some more about what could possibly be standing in the way of me and my dream home. Self-Worth came to mind.
Note To Reader: Stick with me a little bit longer you will understand what I mean in a minute.
I suddenly started thinking of my goals in terms of currency, and I questioned myself. If my dream home held a value of importance in my life on a scale from $0 to $1,000,000 what would it be? I thought how much I really wanted it and answered, $1,000,000. It seemed logical enough. My dream home was something I really wanted and thought about almost everyday. Then I turned the question on myself. In terms of currency, what value do you place on yourself? How important are you to yourself? How much do you value your skills and talents?
I became choked up. My answer was substantially less than the value I had placed on owning a home. I valued myself at $250,000. I am totally embarrassed to admit that to you. Now let's be clear, I know that in no way shape or form can any amount of money sum up the value of a human being, but that day in terms of goals it helped me put things into perspective. Why in the world was I placing more value on owning a home than on myself? I was the conduit from which the energy flowed from the spirit world into the manifested world. No wonder my goal seemed unattainable in that moment. I was poor in spirit, in belief, and in self-worth. I didn't even value or believe in myself enough. Regardless of me being able to visualize my house there was still something inside of me that felt, I wasn't enough for that house. The house was more important to me than I was to myself.
I reached further into my mind to try and figure out where I had learned to value myself so little. Suddenly it hit me. I had learned my sense of value from a very young age as well. In my household nothing was ever good enough. If I got a B I didn't get praised for getting the B. I got scolded because I didn't bring home an A. If I made second place in a competition, I didn't get praise for winning second place. I got scolded because I should have gotten first place. A comment that my guardian made to me when I was young suddenly came to mind as well. When I had messed up or had done something wrong she would look me dead in the eyes and say,
"You're not going to have a pot to piss in or a back window to throw it out of."
At the time she said that I was really young so I didn't understand the full meaning of what she was saying. I could however feel the hatred in her when she said it to me. The phrase stuck with me all the way up into my adult years. When I was old enough to understand what it meant (in my early teens) my heart sunk. People who didn't have a pot to piss in were extremely poor. What would cause an adult to say something like that to a child? Either way… Self-Worth decreased.
- Being made fun of in school because we were poor. Self-Worth Decreased
- Made fun of because I wasn't light enough in complexion or white. Self-Worth Decreased
- My teeth weren't straight enough. Self-Worth Decreased
- My brother wanting a baby brother instead of a baby sister. Self-Worth Decreased
- I had only a high school diploma and no college degree. Self-Worth Decreased
- I quit my job (my only sense of independence) and had no money. Self-Worth Decreased
No wonder I had formed such a small opinion of myself and arrived at such a low number. I was unwanted. Not good enough. Not worthy enough. Not prestigious enough. I didn't hold any of the things that make you someone in society. After a few minutes of running those thoughts through my mind I suddenly realized the insanity of them all. Yes I had a rough childhood, was made fun of, and had stepped out of my comfort zone by quitting my job, but those things weren't the problem.
The real problem was me running those tapes over and over again in my mind judging my value off of things that had no business even in the equation. I had realized in that moment why I didn't own my home. I had realized in that moment what was holding me back from attaining the things I really wanted in life. This pestering feeling of not being good enough for the good things in life. I knew in that moment it was time for a serious reality check.
FIRST STEP: THROW AWAY THOSE RIDICULOUS, SPIRIT DIMINISHING, OLD, WORN OUT TAPES. THOSE IDEAS OF YOU ARE NOT WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
There is no reason that anything in this world should have a higher value than you in your life. You are the conduit from which all things flow into your experience. How could they ever be more important than you, when you are the one who is creating them? It is not the car, the house, or status that brings joy to your life. Those things are just reflective of the value that you give to yourself. When you are happy, know your true value, and the true uniqueness of your spirit, then those things will flow through you into your experience.
The truth of the matter is… I am worthy of all that I ask for, but the fact that I value myself so little is what stops it from flowing into my experience. So the universe is not denying my request. The universe is making sure that I know who I am and what I deserve before it hands it over to me. There is nothing worse than getting something you don't feel you deserve. You aren't able to enjoy it. You aren't able to feel the true exhilaration of your spirit syncing up with things that match it. I believe that the universe, source, God or whatever you want to call it sees me and knows that I deserve whatever I ask for. And is willing to give it to me. But, that same force also knows me intimately enough to know that I don't want to be given things just to have things. It knows that I want to feel worthy first and then allow it to flow into my experience.
I share this with you so that you can see the ridiculousness of some of my negative thought patterns. Perhaps you too have gone through a difficult time in your life. Perhaps you too are having trouble achieving some of your goals. If so, it may be time for you to check your Self-Worth Currency. I figure it's all about sharing our unique perspectives and helping each other see things in different ways.