I have been in physical and emotional pain for the last couple of days. My hormones are out of whack really. I have been up and down on top of the bipolar and stress of relationships, kids, school grades, teachers’ bills, money, family, and all else that comes with life as a female with a period.
Yesterday I was in pain. Cramps, headaches, irritated, back pain, swollen feet, hair all wrong and feeling like total shit. I went to his house yesterday and he sat outside and I laid inside on the couch in pain depressed feel ugly out of whack and just wrong.
Today I woke up depressed, feeling like I wanted to die, praying for forgiveness and I cried myself back to sleep. So from 7:30 this morning until 11:45 this morning I was sleep. I had many, many, many, many things on my mind.
Like comparing myself to other women like my very strong, independent mother and other older women who are not married and still holding it all down on their own. They don’t have kids like me, I don’t drive, my house is not “right.” He won’t even come in my house. I am not his type because he told me I wasn’t his type and he doesn’t know why he is with me. I was questioning myself—why do I even bother? He won’t carry my bags but he does for my neighbors; he always helps my mother and jumps at the chance to do things for other single older women his age. Oh, he is thirteen years older than I am. He is in the Baby Boomer Generation and I am in Generation X. Nothing in common, really. My neighbor goes bowling, lives alone, and is free to do whoever and whatever she wants. My mom works hard, drives a truck, runs shit like a boss. He slips up and calls me his ex-wife’s name many, many, many, many, many times.
I am nothing more than a mentally ill single mother, unemployed, living in a three-bedroom house with me and my kids sleeping in one room. I have no room for happiness and plus I have said so much and done so much—I don’t deserve to be here. My kids don’t deserve a sick mother; they deserve better. They deserve a happy, full, stable life.
I have never felt loved, wanted, or needed. I have always been used, beat down, and rejected. And I deserve it all. I am not perfect. I fight to keep my life stable. I cannot live life anymore in this. I am not going to kill myself; I just need someone to love me. That’s all.
