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Why Broken?

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“What is going on? I hate feeling this way. I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. I’m torn, I don’t know what to do …”

These are questions many of us have had sometime in our lifetime. Feelings of inadequacy and feelings of fear and dissolutionment. I had this experience in the year of 2009. Everything I had stood for in my marriage was pissed on. All the investments I made in this first year came down on me like the effects of an earthquake and these were a small portion of questions I was asking myself. This was the first and only season of my life when I thought I had died and gone to hell—the real hell. The suspensions were out of control, the emotions were deadly, my mind was out of control. The only thing I had desired at the moment, was to either lay in the street and get ran over or just sit and be dead inside.

I had to press my way to work, press my way to do anything now. Everything around me told me that I was in the wilderness and I was alone. No one could encourage me, no one could help me. Even when I wanted help and try to seek it, it was just not what I needed. I needed answers. I needed comfort for the turmoil that was blazing inside me. I needed peace to calm this wretched storm I was in. I needed guidance that didn’t come from man. What’s funny … I am a follower of Jesus and was even at the time. The searing pain didn’t make any sense to me. I tried to believe that I hadn’t done anything wrong and that this was divine; that soon it would all make sense. I tried everyday to put my trust in the Savior, I had walked with daily. What is going on? I hate feeling this way … (the statements went on and on) I cried unto the Lord like I had never done before but yet I was faced with the reality that my life and all I had stood for was drowning, all at one time. Why? Everyday I woke up was a chore. The midnight our I had layed by my husband was wretched. As he came in the room at 1:30 or 3:00 in the morning, I could feel this sense of demonic force walk in with him. It woke me up in the middle of the night. I prayed, I cried, I got angry, he lied.

This one day, I faced the demon that tormented me face to face. It came out. It was true. I had been betrayed. My heart broke and was shattered in a million and one pieces. My dreams were crumbled. My love was burned. What was I left to do now?

Thanks be unto God who broke me so that I may be healed. God, Himself has restored me, had healed me, has given me back my dreams. I can stand boldly and say that no matter what I go through in life, God is there with me. It’s a realization that is more clear to me than just hearing it before from others. I know that the promises He made to me during that dark time in my life, came to pass and that He can never lie. Christ is my deliverer, the restorer of my soul, the lifter of my head, the smile on my face. He is I Am, the beginning and the end. He is the LORD!


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