I am reading this book the Courage to Heal. It really hits close to home. There are some questions they want you to answer so here is some of them:
This are some of the self-esteem issues that I am going through. I do feel that I am bad and not good enough for my husband’s love. Sometimes I do feel like a victim, and yes, I feel different from other people, especially right now because I just got out of the hospital. I feel like that everyone is looking at me and wondering if I am going to lose it again. I know that is not true, but I can’t help it.
I don’t feel like this as much as I used to, that if people really knew me, they would leave me or not want to have any thing to do with me. I considered my self-evil. Sometimes I would fantasize about dying, getting really hurt to see if anyone would care, or just die. I have tried to commit suicide two times; the last time is the longest I let it go before I said anything. And I don’t know why I said anything at all. Sometimes, I think I would still be better off dead and not deal with all this stuff. I know these are not healthy thoughts. But right now I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I have panicked twice since I got out of the hospital. Once at bingo hall, and once at church. I keep pushing myself and I don’t know if I should. So far, no job offers. I keep wondering if someone is telling everyone I am nuts. I don’t hate myself as much as I used to. But there is still some self loathing in me. I feel like if I don’t do everything just right it will not be good enough. Everything has to be just right or I am not satisfied. I am a work alcoholic, that way maybe no one will see my other flaws that I have.
The next is feelings. I feel sad, anger, hurt, scared, used, and betrayed. Sometimes I can tell you exactly how I feel and sometimes, I don’t want anyone to know how I feel. I am really confused right now; I don’t know if I am coming or going. I feel all sorts of emotions, just like yesterday, I was so scared that now that my husband and his brother made up, that things were going back to the way they were. Me against him and his family. But my husband said nothing has changed. That they have to work together so therefore they need to be able to talk, so they are at a kind of stand off at the store. They speak, but other than that my husband said he does not want anything to do with them. Work only.
That mom is not going to move back in with us either. That he would not put me in that position; he knows that I can not handle it. Sorry I am skipping around; I am just writing what is coming out of my brain. It is kind of weird because I have never thought I could write this much. Usually I would just blow it off and let it build up. Some times I can’t make decisions on my own. Sometimes I feel like I am on a roller coaster with my depression, up and down. I had some nightmares the other night, first ones I have had in a long time. I don’t remember what it was but it woke me up. God I feel like I am going crazy all the time. Sometimes I just sit around and cry all day, so yes I would think that my feelings are sometimes out of control. I am not as violent as I used to be. But if I am pushed hard enough I can be.