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Twenty-six Is a Magic Number

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Okay well, twenty-six is only “magic” if I were indeed a magician … though I am not.

So what is so meaningful about twenty-six? Nothing to you. Nothing at all.

But the fact that is means nothing to you should mean something, because it means everything to me.

Twenty-six equals the number of hours since I’ve last thrown up.

Stupid right? Pathetic right? No. Wonderful.

Wonderful because twenty-six is two more than twenty-four which is one day. One whole day.

Once again pathetic right? Well, not if you know that it hasn’t been a whole day since a month ago. I’ve survived one day. And the greatest thing about this one day, is that feeling of accomplishment. You know when you are halfway through that bag of greasy potato chips, and scarfed down about ten mini packs of brownie bites, while ingesting cans of diet soda, in between crunchy/soggy raisin granola and frosted mini-wheats, then throwing in the couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter cup ice cream right before you get rid of it all (or at least the majority) … that horrible feeling of shame and guilt … only to follow with accomplishment and a sigh of relief that it “won’t affect your weight.”

But then that minute accomplishment turns to horrid guilt and shame … Why am I doing this!? What the hell?!

Well the tables have turned … because my current accomplishment isn’t followed by guilt/shame. It is a feeling of pride and a different sigh of relief. My throat isn’t burning, my salivary glands aren’t swollen, my eyes are clear, my hands soft from lotion I applied this morning, and I’m not dying of exhaustion (other than the fact it is two am and I missed my energy nap today). And for once, I’m smiling as I write to you all.

But it’s not over, it is one night. A relapse can happen, and I will not swear one off, because this disease is famous for its trial and error, for its relapses, for its failure.

But I welcome the challenge, for nothing can feel as amazing as a “healthy” and happy accomplishment. Keep writing everyone, and especially keep reading. I write again very soon. Thanks for listening.

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