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Easy to be Hard

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One of my favorite songs from the play, Hair, I find this title exemplifies how many individuals go through life. Blocking out external emotion to showcase a tough faced exterior while internally seething, scared to be rejected and lonely, their attitude whatever and try to diminish you and what others may say. Oh the Land of Whatever’s. You see, in the Land of Whatever’s, it’s easier to not show emotion or show only one emotion; discontent. Don’t show happiness because it can’t last forever. Love is only on soap operas, movies or books w/beaches, cocktails and men of the 42-inched association. Any type of perpetual hope and positivity cannot be a resident among the inhabitants of the Whatever’s because it’s seen as a sign of weakness to show vulnerability of any kind. It’s easier to believe bad things are going to happen because it prepares you. But really, it just prepares you for more bad things. This type of coping mechanism was my protective measure for many years as I too resided in the Land of Whatever’s for many years. Thinking that this was protection rather than seeing it for what it really was, fear, I used this as a shield. Don’t let anybody get too close for fear that they would hurt me. Well acquainted from life experiences with some so called friends, family and even church associations with friendly exteriors turn gossipy groupies of both female and male persuasion conditioned me. Not wanting yet another thing to get over I would punch first (metaphorically but sometimes physically) because their hypocritical hooks and uppercuts of dishonesty that left me shocked would take a lot from me and I decided that would be no more. I would not allow it. I would reject before being rejected and threw blocks even when they weren’t necessary. A former date turned good friend of mine whose friendship almost didn’t happen helped me see these behaviors outside of myself and how these behaviors can be harmful. When my *Don would speak, sometimes it would seem like he was being critical. My blocks up, exterior in its I Don’t Care stance, I would push back what he had to say. This would drive him nuts. Equally, when I would offer information to him that I thought would be beneficial or when he would be in his quiet space and I would try to bring him out and he would resist, I would be frustrated beyond words. It took awhile for the rhythm of trust to be synchronized and he understood I wasn’t meaning to be bossy or anything negative and that I was concerned for him. This personality awakening allowed him to open up so much more and I came to understand he wasn’t being critical of me, just caring. Just because some may have hurt me previously didn’t mean he would. It didn’t mean everyone would for that matter. Past insecurities and rejections shrouded me into unnecessary rebellion. In a lot of my relationships I would give but would keep my true self hidden due to fear of acceptance. That fear and path of rejection kept me from exploring the true intimacy I desired but if you don’t know, how do you know until you know? I was ready to break through that particular branding and be free. But having been born and raised in the Land of Whatever’s, where would I go? Suppose the next place was like this? Did it make sense to try? Yes. Always bet on yourself and the improvements that go along. I have since relocated to the Havana of Peace, Love and Hope. The occupants dwelling here smile, speak positively and are focused on creating change for the better and not conflict. The gardening has been hard but is showing good fruit. From keeping people at a distance, I am now letting some in, little by little, sowing seeds of love and am reaping regularly. There are still some residents’ from the Land of Whatever’s of whom I interact. I don’t think most of them are bad people, just people that have lived through bad experiences choosing to operate on a complacent rather than love level. They come to the gate and we walk around. A few have rejected, many are curious and some have asked questions about the freedoms and expressions of care that are witnessed. While it may be easy to be hard in order to protect self from the outer evils, I’m experiencing the other side of this thought process and for me, it’s easier to operate in love.

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