If you read my day journal, you know that I truly believe there is a war raging inside my body; I am under siege by my own hormones. It’s called menopause, and is posited as a “normal and natural” event in a woman’s life. Are you kidding me? The words menopause, normal, and natural cannot even be used in the same sentence. There is nothing normal about a woman my age desiring to frolic in the snow when the temperature has dropped below zero, wearing nothing but a thong and a pair of boots.
And to think I thought my life had been turned upside down at the age of thirteen, when I reached puberty and my period started. From my first cycle, all I dreamed about was that one day this dreaded event would end in my life, but no one prepared me for the battle that would ensue when it finally began to make its grand exit. It’s as if I am undergoing some type of exorcism; so far, I have experienced everything except for my head spinning around, which my family believes will occur before this is all over.
There is also no doubt in my mind that global warming is real, but it’s not from the increasing amounts of greenhouse gases that are being released in our atmosphere; it’s from the increasing amount of women who are going through menopause! It’s estimated that one member of the baby-boomer generation turns fifty every seven seconds. In fact, most every female baby boomer born will begin to experience menopause by the year 2012, if she hasn’t already. So you see why I honestly believe that global warming is yet another horrible symptom of menopause, and if you could experience just one of my hot flashes, or, heaven forbid, live through my night sweats, you would know immediately that I am not nuts or just menopausal.
“No, it’s not hot in here” has become my and my husband’s number-one conversation; it has even replaced “I love you” as we lie down to go to sleep. The only upside I have found so far is that our heating bill has come down drastically; however, what money we do save, we are going to hold on to, because I can see the future and our cooling bill is going to be on the rise.
After a major meltdown in the middle of the grocery store the other day, I explained to my sons, aged twenty-three and twenty-five, exactly what menopause was: “It is a time in every man’s life when he should pause before he speaks or acts.” That is why it is appropriately nicknamed “men pause.” I also think that in God’s infinite wisdom, he scheduled it to occur after your children have moved out and started lives of their own, but if, for some reason beyond your control, you still have your kids at home, as I do, you turn the tables and prepare them for the day when their own wives will go through it, and if they survive their mother’s mood swings and tantrums, maybe they will emerge as husbands better equipped to handle it than their father is. My poor husband doesn’t just pause before he speaks; I think there are days when he pauses before he breathes in my direction. But I just keep telling myself that “this too shall pass, it didn’t come to stay,” and that I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me. So if you read this article today and would like to help me, please pray for my family—they could sure use the support. Also, if you think you may be experiencing menopause but just aren’t quite sure, I have listed a few of my symptoms below for you to test yourself by:
- Everyone around you seems to have an attitude problem.
- People suddenly seem very afraid of you.
- Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.
- You can’t believe they don’t make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
- There is a conspiracy on the part of your family to drive you insane.
- Even though you dance with the devil every day (treadmill or exercise), you have no doubt that the dryer is shrinking everything you own.
- The ibuprofen you bought yesterday is already gone.
- The air filter to the heating system never needs changing.
- You’re trying to shop for shorts and tank tops in January.