Due to the thousands of hours that my husband and I put in on three renovation projects last year, we did not get to do many races. And that made us sad. And cranky. Because Michael has a few mountain biking events under his belt this year, I’m feeling a tad less guilty, but also anxious, trending toward grumpy. The details of his training regimen and pre-race rituals are coming back into focus. Perhaps you, your spouse, or some other loved one can relate to the lessons I’ve picked up from Michael in the area of triathlon-ing (and if so, my hardiest condolences).
Ironman Training Tips and Observations:
1. Don’t start a run or ride before 9 a.m. Better yet, wait until it’s high noon and 90 degrees.
2. Is it raining or even just drizzling? Don’t run. Go to Peets and bitch.
3. Prefer to wear only one pair of running shorts and then accuse spouse of hiding them when you finally get around to thinking about getting out there for that 18-mile run now that it’s 2 p.m. and 95 degrees.
4. When on a training ride, always stop when iPhone rings and have a long conversation. No matter what you are doing, always stop doing it wheni rings. (Use caution when talking on iPhone. Does not work in slightly remote areas, parts of our town, and our basement.)
5. Tell your spouse that the training ride is 50 miles, then make it 100. Be sure to include many long climbs and lie when spouse requests info on gradient as you start each one.
6. Where the hell are we? Oh, no worries. We have iPhone! Let’s see if we can bring up our location. Hmm, yes, we should have taken X road 20 miles back. Hey, while we are deciding which route to take now, let’s check out today’s BikeSnob post. Yes, we are burning daylight and it’s hot (or freezing or about to rain), but BikeSnob is so funny.
7. When shelling out $700 or $800 for Ironman registration, don’t forget to put $50 aside for crappy Motel 6 room far from venue where you will not be sleeping (maybe just sighing as you contemplate your hotel pick throughout the night). (Use caution when staying at Motel 6. Preferred accommodation of bedbugs and people who like to par-TAY. Do not speculate on origin of rug stains or burn holes in bedspread—or even touch bedspread.)
8. Always wait until the night before the race to go on the hunt for a battery for your speedometer and do a three-hour bike cleaning.
9. Where is the peanut butter? No, not that Jiff sitting beside the beloved iPhone under the Motel 6 lamp with no bulb. The organic stuff with the oil floating on top. What?! Your spouse packed the wrong peanut butter?! You might as well not even start the race. Okay, you will start, but your entire day is screwed.
10. Don’t touch the racing wheels! If your spouse even looks at those $2,000 racing wheels, they will be ruined. RUINED!
Many more training and ironman prep tips are available. Please send $50 and speedometer battery to Ironman Spouse House of Renovation Area of No iPhone Reception.