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What Should I Do?

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To say I am confused is an understatement. For the past six years I have been lying to my friends and family. You see I’m bulimic and well they don’t know that. I am eighteen years old and it started when I was twelve. As a result I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), Acid Reflux, and I am lactose intolerant. Because my family knew about my stomach problems, every time they found out I had thrown up I would blame it on one of my stomach problems. But then it got to where I was getting into situations that were harder to explain. Like why I cut class after lunch, where I was at during my cousin’s birthday party when she was opening presents and quite a few other. So I got scared and got creative. I came up with all kinds of things for one person. The person I hate lying to the most (not counting my Mother) is the pastor at my church.

He has counseled me in the past because I’ve had a lot go on in my life. I was abused, sexually, mentally, and physically, from the time I was six until I was fourteen by two members of my family. But when he started asking me how I was going to explain my diapering acts, I lied (BIG TIME)!!! I told him I had “run off” with a boy I knew. And from there it just got out of control. For him my answers were always some boy I knew that I was getting into trouble with. For my parents it was, “my stomach problems is why I threw up,” and for my friends the same “I was ‘with’ this boy I like.” So needless to say the lying got kind-of out of control. My reasoning was simple: I didn’t want to get caught, and I desperately wanted to hang onto my ED.

But now I am sick of all the lies and I am afraid it’s too late. I want to be an honest person. I want people to be able to take my word for things, and it mean something. I want to get better. BUT I am scared. Have I dug a hole to deep for me to get out of? Have I told too many lies to be trusted again? Will they understand why I lied? Will they believe me when I finally tell them the truth? What will happen?

I am blessed with a very loving understanding mother, who puts up with entirely too much from my anger filled father. She is in college getting her degree so she can teach at the college level and she has a lot on her plate. Should I burden her with this? Should I put something else on her plate to deal with?

I don’t have a lot of options. My mom is in college, she is almost done but she is doing her student teaching. It is like she is working full time, except she isn’t getting paid for it. She also has three classes she has to take this semester so she can graduate this spring. While my dad worked in a mill that closed down a few months ago and did get another job until November. So we have no benefits, no insurance of any kind! So what will happen after I tell them? Rehab is out of the question. There is no way we could afford it. We already have bills upon bills that my dad isn’t paying.

Even my mom has bills that she (will, does, would) pay, he will get them out of the mail box and put them away. By the time she finds them and pays them she has to pay at least seventy to eighty dollars in late fees. Cause you see my dad would rather (and does) buy four brand new ($2,000) computers instead of paying the bills. He’d rather buy a new big screen TV with and buy new surround sound to go with it! (All of which he has done in the past couple of months.)

I close with saying, yes, all these lies did get me into trouble when I told them. It wasn’t about not getting into trouble, it was ALL about keeping my ED safe. I need it. It’s like a drug, if I can’t get a “fix” I get irritable, angry, sad, just plain emotional!! Understand that it is incredibly difficult for me to let them think I’ve slept with some guy when I haven’t but it’s ever more difficult for me to think of having to give up my ED!

So what should (can) I do. Please understand, I have came here wanting complete honesty when you give your opinions. Even if it will hurt my feelings I need some truth in my life so don’t hold back. PLEASE give it to me straight!! Thank you all for your time. It feels great to be honest for once and I pray you will do the same with me!


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