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Ophelia Payne

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Ophelia Payne

Ophelia Payne is a world-renowned expert in the postmodern analysis and interpretation of Led Zeppelin’s more sophisticated and obscure lyrics (“A-AA-AAAAAAAA-AH”); her award-winning volume on the complicated relationship between the band's song “Custard Pie” and the Gnostic texts in the Nag Hammadi Library won her the Verbyl Belch Book Award for 2006. Ophelia is a controversial and outspoken proponent of dirty novels, trashy films, and extremely annoying music. In addition, she is a nationally ranked champion in both extreme ironing and nude jello wrestling.

Stories by Ophelia Payne

These great questions and answers are from the days when The Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous (not scripted, as they are now);...
If you’re a secret fan of the Alien and Predator flicks like I am, you have to watch this music video from Guyz Nite, whose description...
A minister was completing a temperance sermon.With great passion he declaimed, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into...
It’s a hell of an imitation for one thing, but what really makes this hilarious is the surprise ending. Even Simon Cowell laughs.
New York City put up some gazebos on the boardwalk at Coney Island, resulting in much snide hilarity when the first strong breeze totally leveled...
1. Fluff the blanket after farting. 2. Sniff clothes before putting them on. 3. Scratch nuts in the morning. 4. Sniff fingers discretely after...
Run out of new things to try? How about jumping off the edge of a cliff wearing only a suit that makes you look like a flying squirrel, free falling...
Ever felt like the whole world hates you? It does. Here’s a bitter film by Don Hertzfeldt about just how much love hurts. Pretty hilarious,...
Got a weird craving? Take a number and get in line; it’s more common than you think. In this photo from November 2007, Dr. Abdul Manan, a...
Most Expensive Cognac: £1,000,000 (~ $1,946,617) Photo source: most-expensive-cognac.com Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande...
Cause she is, like, totally, awesomely cool. And she knows just what to say, and when.
The thrill of victory … the agony of defeat  … As we all know (but don’t want to admit), disaster can be way more riveting...
This is a handy guide for those days of the month when a man is taking his life in his hands if he opens his mouth. DANGEROUS: What’s for...
... and baby’s glock makes six. Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of “Survivor.” Contestants must travel...
The Clintons are driving along in Arkansas. Needing gas, they pull over. Hillary excuses herself to go to the ladies’ room. After filling the...

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