Ophelia Payne

Ophelia Payne's picture

Ophelia Payne

Ophelia Payne is a world-renowned expert in the postmodern analysis and interpretation of Led Zeppelin’s more sophisticated and obscure lyrics (“A-AA-AAAAAAAA-AH”); her award-winning volume on the complicated relationship between the band's song “Custard Pie” and the Gnostic texts in the Nag Hammadi Library won her the Verbyl Belch Book Award for 2006. Ophelia is a controversial and outspoken proponent of dirty novels, trashy films, and extremely annoying music. In addition, she is a nationally ranked champion in both extreme ironing and nude jello wrestling.

Stories by Ophelia Payne

Got a weird craving? Take a number and get in line; it’s more common than you think. In this photo from November 2007, Dr. Abdul Manan, a...
Most Expensive Cognac: £1,000,000 (~ $1,946,617) Photo source: most-expensive-cognac.com Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande...
I had a car … … not in Africa, but in Montana. It was the first and only car I ever owned, and may be the last. The car was the result...
Hamster Curry. Another food product seeking a unique demographic through descriptive marketing. I’m not sure how cheerful or cute he is,...
Don’t eat too much.
From Miami! This delightful, attractive, and invigorating dish is also appropriate served in SoCal and Brazil, or wherever temps are cold and your...
“...one must first question everything.” —Eileen Gray
Add garlic and catnip, and purr. I mean, stir. Or... Come on, people. Nobody eats fennel. I love cats, but I can’t eat a whole one...
Can be dual-purposed as an attractive, self-heating toilet cover. Not for everyone!
An eighty-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?" She said,...